Day 85 and I've given up. Well, not given up, just decided that it's a stupid rule. I thought I might respond well to rules, but I am told otherwise. In fact, I was even given a bit of a talking to recently about not following the rules of 'fitting in' and following the right path. I don't want a straight path. I don't even want one long curvy path. I want to get off the path and go somewhere where I'll find all the other people that either lost their way or deliberately vered off course. Actually I've just realised it's day 86 because it's 2am which means it's now Friday. Freaky Friday, what will it bring. Maybe now with the fresh 2000ml of blood I received today, I'll have a little more zing.

Not long to go now, but I've no idea whether to actually bother counting down the days or start counting all over again. I probably need to start all over again but perhaps I shouldn't be focusing on getting this over with in a simply said 90 days. There are approximately 4 lots of 90 days in a year. I could spend a whole year pursuing 4 attempts at this and still not get anywhere. Over and over again I see the dark side of things, the side that makes me want to rock with laughter and shame all at the same time. Someone tried to explain the difference between shame and guilt to me. I vaguely understand the difference but it feels the same to me. If I close me eyes even for just a few moments my head starts to drift into a hypnagogic state where reality gets blurred into hallucinations. It's so hard to tell if it's real or not because enivitably I hallucinate about things I've been thinking of or things I should be doing. But then my body violently jerks and brings me back to the present. I love it yet am slightly scared of it. It feels vaguely like I should be physically going off to another world yet something brings me back at the last moment.

I wonder why I even thought that 90 days is some kind of benchmark. I have previously read that it takes about 90 days to break a habit, or form a new one. Perhaps I should have focused on forming a new habit, rather then trying to break an old one. I technically have 14 days left but I know I will probably need another 90 days, again and again and again. It's not that I want the thought process of it all to stop, I just wish I wouldn't give in so easily. Sometimes I feel incredibly strong and think I have control over it, but then I somehow convince myself that it's not a big deal and it doesn't matter it I give in. There are times when I remember thinking like this when I was a little child. It's like my thoughts have not changed and the older one gets you don't actually feel any older. Perhaps my thoughts are wiser and more mature but often they are driven by an inate desire to both lose control and stay in control. It's all or nothing, I cannot seem to find that middle ground. When I've had a really productive day it feels better at the end of the day than when I've not had a plan and flittered around not really achieving anything substantial. It doesn't need to be anything of great value or of consequence, it just feels better to have completed things. I hate that feeling of things being incomplete, and when that lingers day after day and turns into weeks and then months it's quite frustrating to know that the longer it goes on the harder it gets and I feel like giving up and turning to a new task. It's fine to have a list of tangible tasks that can be ticked off one by one. That gives a grand sense of satisfaction when you reach the end. It's harder to achieve that same feeling when you're trying to reach some sort of conclusion with subjective and abstract ideas. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm heading in the right direction. You think you've sorted it out only to realise that it's not the right direction and you have to go back to square one and decide which way to turn. It's hard not to get sidetracked along the way and sometimes the thoughts come so quickly that your mind has abundant ideas and they're coming quicker than you can even write them down or organise them into any sort of logical order. It's then that things start to whirl around and go so quick that you desperately wish you could slow them down, yet you can't bear to not be on such an exciting, yet complicated, ride. I don't know when to stop.

It is with both trepidation and relief that I realise I'm well on the way to what I thought would be 90 days. Day 74. Day 73 was not good. Today was somewhat better but then I hear that I look tired and drained. Told that I am running away again, self soothing with substances that were once enjoyed with friends and all was well, but now it's because I need to get rid of that mass of whatever it is sitting in stomach, creeping up to my throat. Told that I often ended up either in tears or left with a silent rage sitting inside me and not knowing how to get rid of it. Apparently there is a solution, or at least something akin to a solution. I'm not sure I want to dissolve the rage. Perhaps I find it quite cathartic letting the rage simmer away as it keeps me motivated to ensure that I do all I can to change how things are today.

Day 70 didn't go quite so well, thought about things alot and let it get to me, consequently fell down, but got back up again today wondering when the next time will be. However, I over compensated all day and now, tonight, I feel slightly guilty and annoyed that I keep letting the same thing happen. When does one learn to get their thoughts straight and learn to look at the facts rather then letting their warped thoughts of what they see inside their head drive the thoughts to be more and more strange. Funny, because most of the time I am brutally objective except, of course, when it comes to my own head.

Ok I guess it's really day 70 because once again I've stayed up past midnight. So it's already Thursday and I will probably only get 3 hours of sleep tonight as I have to get up at 4.30am to catch a plane. I don't know how I survive sometimes on the little sleep that I get. Perhaps it's one of my phases, which I know will pass and I'll probably sink down into a 'lull'. I know which I prefer, who wouldn't. Things seem great, everything looks good, I feel good, I am good, no actually I'm incredibly bad. Bad to the core and can't be trusted with anything. Ok, so I know that's sometimes how I feel but I don't think I'm like that deep down. I really just want everything to be good, and for everyone to accept the things they can't change and be able to laugh at themselves, for everyone to look at the positives and think the best of everything. Especially of me, because I know I can be good, but now I'm so confused I certainly don't feel good, just, well, confused to say the least.

It's technically day 69 but I've stayed up so late I feel like it's still day 68. My sleep has been so erratic over the past 48 hours that I really can't tell which day or what time of day it is. Today I slept until midday, but I woke with a fever early in the morning, almost delirious, and went back to sleep. Two days ago I said that I can't sustain what I'm doing and that is already proving true. A fever, early on Tuesday morning has been the only time my mind state has been altered, but that has not stopped the strange thoughts about what could be and what might come my way if I let it happen. But right now I feel I should go to sleep, try to shift my body clock, to fit in with the normal world. I wonder why, it's something that I've never wanted to do, something that I wished I didn't have to do. I don't know why I should, I don't want to feel forced to fit in where I don't and don't even want to.

Day 67. I cannot continue like this, I don't think I can sustain this without it being self destructive. Part of me wants that because it brings about the feeling that I'm in a kind of altered state of reality. When all you see in the real world is people moving around simply because that's what you do, with no thought as to what they really might like to do, it's quite oppresive. Somedays it's necessary to play out the mundane routine tasks that have to be done, but one migh hope there is some sort of repreive at the end to let you indulge and sink into another world. A world where you don't need to think about how those mundane tasks are slowly driving you insane. It's quite ironic that when you can't handle these everyday tasks or absolutley detest them, that's when people consider that you have possibly already entered the zone of madness. It's just a shame that being in an altered state of mind is so good, but certainly not sustainable.

The day thus far is good. Of course some of the first thoughts are still as present as ever and I wonder what I'd think about if they were not there. My mind would be free to explore so many other things, or I might simply transfer the intensity of to other issues. Day 64 and it was yet another day that I woke and the same thoughts seeped into my head. I tried to rationalise them and tell myself to stop it and concentrate on something else. Sometimes it works, other times it completely useless and I may as well wallow in the thoughts until it passes. Sometimes the thoughts do pass and I temporarily forget what's been invading my mind. Inevitably though, the thoughts come flodding back, usually quickly, as if they are an answer to my problem, whatever the question is. I have accepted that I might get trough this day being somewhat normal but I'm sure this afternoon will bring more thoughts.

How an earth did I get this far into this and not really have travelled beyond my capabilities. Sometimes I just keep telling myself it's not worth it and it will only bring about disappointment. Day 63 and I've gone way to far to think yet seem to have covered little ground. Today the same feelings all appeared again. It's often at certain times of the day and I really should distract myself but the thoughts come in waves and I want so much to ignore them, yet I let them flood my body, like a sensation of relief. It's a solution to a problem, except I'm never quite sure what the problem is. How does one conclude an answer and even begin to try and solve a puzzle when the question presented is ambiguous or not even understood in any why what so ever. Some days I just push all the thoughts away and perhaps there are times when I'm totally unaware that they are even there, entering my head. Other days I let them invade my head and body and give in to them. I give in, just when I think I've forgotten about them or thought that I had them figured out, but alas they invade with a passion and send convulsion like shivers through me. I don't know the question and that means I've a long way to go before I can answer it.

The day just got better. Indeed. This might be as good as it gets, which is a shame, because this means that the rest of the day probably won't feel as good as this.....................

Today was not the best of starts to what could have been, or perhaps still could be, an uncomplicated day. As soon as I woke I couldn't stop the flood of thoughts about how I much I could deceive myself. It's still early and not too late to consider trying to think normally for the rest of the day. I can but try.

I am two thirds of the way through what I thought would or still could be 90 days. Today I felt my mind easing back into familiar patterns, and I like it somewhat more than I have in the past 2 months. That's not a good thing. I seem to sway back and forth between thinking that there is nothing wrong with being this way and knowing or believing that it shouldn't be this way. Today I started of thinking that it doesn't matter, there's nothing wrong with this, it's just that most people don't see it this way. Perhaps they just don't understand, can't see beyond the constraints of what society says it 'good' or 'bad'. So much of what swirls around in my brain is frowned upon. But how do I know that everyone else doesn't have the same thoughts and are just not saying anything. I expect there are a lot of people who's thought processes are just as strange or yearning to be different. But they just won't admit it.

I got through the day better than intended. I momentarily wondered about heading back but the feeling came and went rather quickly. When I realise I'm not going there, where I would be giddy with false happiness, it makes my heart plunge slightly with desire for lost feelings. But part of me wants to prove things can get better, be better. Another part of me doesn't care for moving forward with such abstinance, I long to lay there all day with my mind coming and going whenever it suits me to be part of the real world, or not.

Day 58 and I found myself momentarily back in the head space I've been trying so hard to get away from. The problem is I like the thoughts in that head space, I just don't like the consequences if I act. I knew straight away though it was a mistake and I was able to stop myself from taking further action. I guess that's a good thing. It's true that the longer this goes on the easier it gets. I always expected that there would be blemishes along this path, blemishes that will perhaps remind me of what a long and trecherous journey it is. It's not just going to be 90 days. I only wrote that because once I read that it takes approximately 3 months to break a habit. It's hard to break a habit that rewards you in many ways, even if only you think so. I yearn for the feeling of being able to wake up feeling and want to face the day. I yearn for that feeling I think I'd get if I were to lay in grass and look up at the sky, perhaps a night sky and feel the air swirling around me, making everything seem blurry, but making my body feel light and awash with feelings of nothingness.

Day 57 and I haven't been to sleep yet. Have been frantically working on things all day and still not tired. Maybe it's a new phase coming on or maybe it's just because I slept late this morning after a late new years eve. I quite like the quiet of the night when I'm the only one awake in the house. It comforts me to know there are people here yet I'm all by myself.

Day 56 and it's the first day of 2010. Surely 2010 will be a better year than 2009. There are such great expectations surrounding a new year. Everybody wishes for a new start, lots of luck and all the other somewhat stupid things that people write in the Christmas cards they send out with photos of their children on it. When I finally purge the Christmas cards some months into the new year I feel slightly strange tossing our a photo where a child or children are smiling up at me. I remember their faces, I don't need a photo. I slept quite late today after a drunken evening. Everybody seems to be on holiday and outside on the streets it reminds me a little bit of a movie where something awful has happended and the streets have been abandoned. Like a nuclear holocust where everthing seems left to perish and the landscape terrifying. I can't wait for the world to get back to normal and it's business as usual. I feel an astonishing sense of fear when my world has been abandoned.