Not long to go now, but I've no idea whether to actually bother counting down the days or start counting all over again. I probably need to start all over again but perhaps I shouldn't be focusing on getting this over with in a simply said 90 days. There are approximately 4 lots of 90 days in a year. I could spend a whole year pursuing 4 attempts at this and still not get anywhere. Over and over again I see the dark side of things, the side that makes me want to rock with laughter and shame all at the same time. Someone tried to explain the difference between shame and guilt to me. I vaguely understand the difference but it feels the same to me. If I close me eyes even for just a few moments my head starts to drift into a hypnagogic state where reality gets blurred into hallucinations. It's so hard to tell if it's real or not because enivitably I hallucinate about things I've been thinking of or things I should be doing. But then my body violently jerks and brings me back to the present. I love it yet am slightly scared of it. It feels vaguely like I should be physically going off to another world yet something brings me back at the last moment.