I wonder why I even thought that 90 days is some kind of benchmark. I have previously read that it takes about 90 days to break a habit, or form a new one. Perhaps I should have focused on forming a new habit, rather then trying to break an old one. I technically have 14 days left but I know I will probably need another 90 days, again and again and again. It's not that I want the thought process of it all to stop, I just wish I wouldn't give in so easily. Sometimes I feel incredibly strong and think I have control over it, but then I somehow convince myself that it's not a big deal and it doesn't matter it I give in. There are times when I remember thinking like this when I was a little child. It's like my thoughts have not changed and the older one gets you don't actually feel any older. Perhaps my thoughts are wiser and more mature but often they are driven by an inate desire to both lose control and stay in control. It's all or nothing, I cannot seem to find that middle ground. When I've had a really productive day it feels better at the end of the day than when I've not had a plan and flittered around not really achieving anything substantial. It doesn't need to be anything of great value or of consequence, it just feels better to have completed things. I hate that feeling of things being incomplete, and when that lingers day after day and turns into weeks and then months it's quite frustrating to know that the longer it goes on the harder it gets and I feel like giving up and turning to a new task. It's fine to have a list of tangible tasks that can be ticked off one by one. That gives a grand sense of satisfaction when you reach the end. It's harder to achieve that same feeling when you're trying to reach some sort of conclusion with subjective and abstract ideas. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm heading in the right direction. You think you've sorted it out only to realise that it's not the right direction and you have to go back to square one and decide which way to turn. It's hard not to get sidetracked along the way and sometimes the thoughts come so quickly that your mind has abundant ideas and they're coming quicker than you can even write them down or organise them into any sort of logical order. It's then that things start to whirl around and go so quick that you desperately wish you could slow them down, yet you can't bear to not be on such an exciting, yet complicated, ride. I don't know when to stop.