I have see the surgeon in a couple of weeks. I'm petrified. I had surgery 10 years ago and had myriad post surgery complications and spent far too much time in ICU and had something like 13 blood transfusions. I was a wreck after the surgery, both pysically and emotionally. So, yes, the thought of having bowel surgery again fills me with fear. It's easy to say I was unlucky last time and there's no way this time would be as bad. Now all I have to do is make myself believe that. Today, again I spent the day at home, slightly dizzy and resting for most of the day. Back to work tomorrow, which suprisingly I'm looking forward to. I guess over the next couple of weeks I can make myself as well as possible and be in a good pysical and mental state before surgery. I let my brain ramble on and on, thinking of all the possibilities and the things that might be or might not be. I look at people who 'look' well and wonder if they to are sick. If they have any secrets they are hiding, hoping that no one can see inside their head. I wonder if when people walk past me, they can momentarily view the scene playing out in my head. One never knows.

Here I am in hospital - yet again. Having crohns disease and common variable immunodeficiency means regular hospital stays. I bleed. I bleed a lot! The tests are inconclusive and now they will do a pill camera study. Quite amazing that you can swallow a tiny camera and it will record what's it sees on it's way through me. When I was first diagnosed with crohns disease years ago the technology was quite lacking by today's standards. I've become so used to being sick that when people express their 'sorrow' I am often surprised ad I forget that most people think it's a big deal just to have a blood test. I have the best vein (nurses love it!) for taking blood and if I look carefully I can actually see loads of tiny puncture marks. Not pretty!

Today, however is my daughters first ballet concert and I'm incredibly sad that I will miss it. I also missed her little choir concert last night. But as my doctor assured me last night there will be years ahead of other concerts and events that I will get to see my daughter in. They will be happy days :)

Every now and then I get a horrible yet familiar felling of emptiness. It's a sensation that that make me feel like something horrible is about to happen, that the world might end. I can feel it in my stomach and my throat. A kind of hollow feeling that wants to be filled. I detest it, yet I wonder if there are times that I crave it. Maybe it's to ensure that I understand when I don't have that feeling, that everything will be okay. There is a sense of guilt, that I've done something bad and I cannot fix it. Even though I crave the feeling of euphoria constnatly, when I have this horrible feeling of emptiness, it reminds me that even just feeling ok, is better than feeling desperately empty. Sometimes it's easy to get rid of the feeling and other times it perists and consumes me for hours, and at it's worst, days. Today I have that horrible feeling. I'm in hospital today having a regular transfusion, so I guess I could lay down and go to sleep and hope that when I wake the feeling has gone.