Day 54 and today was a great day. I can't explain truthfully why so, but it just was. Perhaps I could be honest with myself but then I wouldn't know what to say or do to anyone who asked for the truth. The last couple of days have been busy but amazingly boring, boring to the point I wondered why I didn't just sleep through the past 48 hours. When I don't want to get up in the morning I know things are probably taking a down hill slide. Today though I woke with that little feeling that's condensed in a little ball and bouncing around in my solar plexus that incites pleasure. It's a good feeling, where by everything feels fine, even good, and then every now and then it peaks into anticipated excitement. I wish I could feel that every day. I don't know how to achieve it though. Perhaps just by pretending each morning when I wake up that the feeling is there it might make it actually happen. The power of belief can be a great thing, so perhaps it is possible. I wonder then if it's possible to change that intense impending doom and fear that often comes on toward the end of the day. That fear feels so so real, but I don't know what I'm fearful of. It's just an intense dread that started in my throat and continues down through the solar plexus and into my stomach. It's the only feeling that I can describe in detail and how it sends my brain spinning with fear and loathing of myself and what I might be capable of doing.

I didn't sleep until late last night, or rather early this morning. I woke late today but amazingly I woke feeling what could only be described as content, perhaps even happy. I noticed that while we were away over Christmas I awoke several mornings feeling this way. I don't even think I can remember the last time this happened. It could be the new medication, that I've been taking for the last 4 weeks and haven't skipped a dose (forgotten or otherwise). Some of the thoughts are still there and already I have to admit that the habit continued today. However I feel positive that while it's a setback, I am still moving forward. Moving forward in the right direction. I wish every day could feel this way. The weather is incredibly depressing. It's summer but a change has set in of cooler temperatures and non stop rain. Some days, like today, I enjoy hearing the rain and trying to feel 'cosy' inside the house. But sometimes the lack of bright light makes me feel intensely hollow and there is that familiar feeling of 'impending doom'. I had that precise feeling yesterday and for the first time in a long time a took a pill to help settle the anxiety. I try not to do this because they are so addictive and one needs more and more to get the same effect if they are taken continuously. Today I feel quite content just wandering around the house, taking care of little jobs and trying to make plans for the bigger jobs that need to be done. As I write this I glanced at my latest painting. It's an acrylic of my memory of the 1983 Ash Wednesday bush fires. Those fires evoked enourmous fear and anxiety in me. When it was clear that our house had survived, we drove home. I was too young to have any say in it and I was absolutely terrified of going home knowing that there were so many spot fires and while most of the foliage around our house had burned down it didn't mean that a spot fire couldn't still take to the house. Perhaps this is why I sometimes love the consistent sound of gentle rain falling outside. I know that everything in the natural and man made environment will be filled and soaked with rain. I like knowing that it would be hard for a fire to take hold when so much water has soaked the earth around me. I intensely fear the searing heat of a summer sun that threatens to engulf everything in flames.

Sometimes I hate the holiday season. When the shops are closed and families are tucked up inside their houses or off on holidays I feel like the whole world has disappeared. I feel so alone. Sitting here by myself waiting for my own little family to return. It's one of those days where I simply long to feel good or better. I'm up to day 51 and while I keep having little set backs I'd like to think I'm slowly but surely making it to where I should be, a better place where I can think like a normal human being. But the sky is grey and rain intermittently falls, making my mood plunge a little lower and I crave for something, anything to take away the gut wrenching feeling that sits just below the solar plexus. It feels empty and hurts.

Day 48 and I managed to vaguely keep myself together. I'm visiting family and when I go into town all I see are feral people roaming around and I wonder how on earth one would end up like that. It's quite good incentive for keeping a bit of culture in one's life. When I crossed the road some revolting guy made a comment about having been waiting for me. He and all the others like him can wait as long as they like, I'll never be going down their road, never. I'd rather die than live like that. Perhaps I should blame my mother. Right now feels like an endless road of trying to figure out what's about to come next. I have slept well the last few nights and I both dread and long for a night where I wake in the middle of the night from a dream where I can barely pull my mind and body from the force of the dream, a force that takes a while to overcome and realise where you really are and what's happening. Sometimes it's enough to put you in a particular state of mind, that keeps the bizzare and wonderfully crazy thoughts coming quick and fast enough to make you question who you are, where you are and where you're going. Enough to make you yearn for it over and over again. I wish I could get there again, hopefully tonight. Perhpaps tonight will bring that etheral state of being to me again.

Day 47. A small hiccup but nothing to atrocious. I do still wonder if when people look at me they can tell there is dialogue going on in my head that would not be understood by some, or maybe all. The words swim around so quickly it feels like that moment when you wake up and still feel like you are trying to pull yourself out of a dream that you've just woken from.

Day 46, a little unsure of how or which way to go forward, or perhaps even backwards. Some days it brings just a little more pain to realise that perhaps I'm stuck in the present. Some days I feel so invisible but there is so much inside me that wants to be understood. I'm never quite sure who would understand if I did start spurting forth with all the thoughts in my head. I quite like living in a bit of a fantasy land. To be otherwise would be all to boring.

Day 45, but for majority of the time I've stopped counting. I've not given in. But sometimes not giving in to it propels me in another direction of destruction so is it really a success? There seem to be so many things that my mind, and sometimes my body, craves. It needs to condense everything and let it come spewing out like an overflow valve. Things are most certainly mundane at present, mostly externally though. I think when things are particularly mundane on a day to day basis is probably when my mind feels the madness. I can't cope with the boredom of walking through the day, thinking and feeling nothing. That's when it starts to tunnel into a void of change.

Finally, she sleeps. I awoke feeling slightly groggy but rested. It's funny what I dream about. I did something last night that I was obviously worried about being found out. Then while I slept the scene kept playing out but I was so worried I'd been found out. In the dream everyone seemed to know that I'd done something but no one could actually figure out what it was. Yesterday was such a tiring day. Shooting wedding photos all day, but I'm happy with the results. I realise now that what I set out to do is slowly working. But how can destructive behaviour feel so good?

I thought lack of sleep might leave me in a confused state. But it seems lack of sleep and lack of food does something to the brain chemistry that makes one feel a little elated. The last few nights I've now laid down to sleep intil 4am or later and then I'm back up by 7am. Now it's 1am and I wonder if I should try and sleep. I'm the only one awake in the house. We are staying with family for christmas and all but me is sound asleep. Part of me wants to take the opportunity to stay awake all night so I can find some pleasure in being all alone with my thoughts, no one to interrupt and ask me questions. Tell me to eat, to drink, to sleep, ask what's wrong, what can they do blah blah blah. I know it's just a phase. Next week I'll probably be sleeping like a baby and craving chocolate morning, noon and night, but I hope not. Tomorrow I have to be up early to get organised to shoot a family wedding. It's going to be awfully hot. I hate the heat, but hopefully being fuelled by the elation of lack of everything one's body needs will make me fly. Now I will lay down and lay there thinking of bizzare situations and making little stories in my head. Stories that only I can see. Perhaps one day there will be certain people, or in particular a certain person that all will be revealed to. Wow, I can't even remember what number day this is supposed to be but all is well and I'm managing just fine. Problem is I compensate and substitute. It's not meant to be this way.

Right now I feel like I could stay awake forever. There's been so much to do and seemingly so little time to get it all done. If I go to bed now I'll be up in 3 hours doing it all over again. It's quiet in the night when you're the only one awake. The hum of whitegoods in the background and occasionally the sound of what I think is a possum outside. If I listen carefully I can hear the rush of cars going by up on the main road. I miss living in the hub of activity. This place is way too quiet for me. Strange that when I'm awake in the wee hours and struggle to hear the sounds of the outside world I feel kind of different and it reinforces what I think of myself. Yet during the if there are no sounds indicating life outside I almost panic. I feel a strange sense of loss and loneliness. I need to hear the sounds of daily life going on. It reassures me that I'm real and that people can perhaps see me, not through me.

These little thought bubbles, they come and they go, before I can even figure them out. Which means I sometimes find my mind working backwards trying to create some meaning or reason for the little thoughts. A good day but I can't say why. Busy maybe. I feel like everyone is in 'party mode' in the lead up to christmas. People seem to be a bit 'nicer' for want of a better word. Lucky they can't read or even sense what's in my head. It seems to be all too easy for most people to let the words tumble out of their mouth while an entirely different conversation is going on in their head. All for social ettiquete. Some days I just tell the truth about how I really am and people are shocked to hear that "I'm not good" thank you. Thank you, thank you for asking, but forgive me for telling the truth. The truth hurts and most people don't want touch it.

Hyped up but feel ready to lay down and try and sleep. I don't know how or why I make myself do it again and again. It's an urge that just doesn't seem to wane. Yesterday was the first day in a long time where I didn't desire to lay down and let my body melt away and my mind stayed stagnant for some time. I need my mind to keep craving things that remind that the world is not all insane. So many things seem crazy and insane and some days I just watch people moving around, wondering what they're thinking, if they think anything is odd in this world. I guess perhaps they really don't think about it. That can be the biggest downfall. It makes it complicated to think. Just don't think. Just pretend you can get up every day and not think. But what would I be without trying to see inside people's heads.

Today i woke late. Yesterday we had a party and I didn't stop drinking the whole time. Over the course of the afternoon and evening you really don't understand how much you've really had. I didn't know if I'd cope with the influx of people but the whole thing went smoothly and I loved it. It's funny though, standing around talking to people wondering if they can see into your head. Sometimes someone gives you a look and you swear they can see what the words inside your head are. They don't say what the words are though, they just give you a look. It makes you panic slightly, just waiting for if they are going to say anything. Always waiting for someone to say the thing I'm dreading people will find out and that I'll be sent flying back through time, back to a place I both love and hate.

I woke around 3am, tossing and turning, sleeping little. I rose at 5am and then of course had a flurry of activity getting everything ready for later. I made sure all the wine glasses where ready, the champagne cold, the strawberries cut and everything else ready to go. I could do with another boost but scared if I start this early then I have no idea how I'll end up when all the guests arrive at 3pm. I feel incredibly industrious, energy seeping from my pores, that will keep me going for some time yet. Scary thing about that is, if it lasts more than a day or two I know there will be a crash at some point. Who wouldn't want to feel great though. It's so so hard to look at it practically when there's a rushing through your body that sustains you and propels you forward to better and greater things. But then later, those better and greater things pale in comparison to how low you feel. Can't stop it today though. I need all the energy I can get for the influx of guests come 3pm. Cheers to champagne.

Two days and I've managed to get through both with little thought of relapse. Haven't even contemplated it. Good days will hopefully lead to more and more pure days. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is some days. But thankfully the last two days have been guilt free and my mind has managed to focus on the present. I've woken and my thoughts have not immediately deviated to bad thoughts and desires. I long for the day when it is all a distant memory and I have to to work hard to remember what it was like to indulge in desires I felt like I had no control over. Interesting how, ultimately it is you that has control over how you react and respond to situations but when your mind is not your own you feel like immediate satisfaction is all that matters. It's like a 2 year old who only understands instant gratification, they have no concept of the future. I hope that after two good days that many more will follow. I'd like to think that out of 90 days, majority will be guilt free, then I can tell myself that most of my desires follow the good rather than the route to evil desire. Sometimes I practice solipsism, as though I can not imagine anything beyond my own internal desires. Sometimes the thoughts in my mind are so insular and stem from deep fear and self preservation that I feel like a ball of solipsism up in the corner of a room watching myself complete tasks that mean nothing and contribute absolutely nothing to extending my self.

Today felt like the worst day in a long time. I couldn't control my impulses and let myself indulge way too many times. I'm at a loss as to why I do this to myself. I know how bad it can make me feel in the long term, but in the short term I can't see any other way out.

The buzzing is still there, still taking up my brain space. It's quieter now, but still buzzing away in the background. I had a terrible headache, but with a rush of relief it's now gone. I still didn't get through the day without being in a haze of emotion that I couldn't control. It's so hot today, when I sweat I wonder if the bad thoughts and strange things are being purged from my body. I feel like I'm knarled inside, like it would take a lot of strength to purge all the bizzar things from my body. The problem is the thoughts come and go so I'll never know if they are truly gone...............

There's a buzzing in my ear. Like there's a little bug flying around but the buzzing sounds like a siren. It started with a thumping sound and for a moment I thought there was music coming from next door. But no, it's in my head, bursting out of my ear. Today was not a good day, but it wasn't horrendous either. I slept a bit during the day. I thought I wouldn't fall asleep, but I lay my head down for moment and then I woke 2 hours later. I'm so exhausted. I wish the doctor would just give me another iron transfusion. It always makes me feel more energetic within a week. I hate being anaemic, I constantly feel like I just can't get enough sleep or my legs feel so heavy it's an effort to put one foot in front of the other when I walk. Tomorrow will be good day. The day is all set out and I don't have to think about anything. I simply have to just go from one place to another and do what's requested. Some days my head is just too foggy to actually think about what I might or could do. Some days I just need to be told what to do. If the day is too free, sometimes it hurts my head to think about what I could, would or should do. It sends all these little thoughts spinning around in and then I just don't know which thought it good or bad and whether it's a real thought or not. So many thoughts are strange and distant but other thoughts feel incredibly mundane and it would be so easy just to follow through on those thoughts. But I know I'll end up so bored, I'll get so bored that then my head will fill with grandiose thoughts that I think will make me happy.

One more day with yet another red cross to my name. The thoughts are all still there and I acted on them. I keep telling myself it's not worth it and I should just push the thoughts out of my mind and concentrate on something else. Oh, if only it were that easy! Today I feel quite productive and I'm not letting deeper thoughts penetrate into the brain. That way I can concentrate on the mundane stuff of everyday. But when my body is is going through the motions of mundane activities, that's when the madness can seem like a wonderful thing.

Too too many........thoughts......can people see it, maybe they can see it in my eyes. I haven't figured out why I make myself do it and keep letting myself do it again and again. There is one thing I know though. I remember how I felt when I first had the thoughts. The problem is, I will never get that back no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do.

I have that heavy feeling in my chest. Like something is crushing down against it and I have to work hard to breath. It's partly my own fault, partly because I left if open to feeling like this. The promise of the previous feeling puts me into denial about how I'll end up feeling. I wonder if this is how it would feel to die, if you had that crushing feeling in your chest. Would you get an adrenalin rush, pushing out to the extremities of your fingers and toes, and then rush back to your chest where it would beat so hard against your chest pressing down against you. Perhaps I'd get that feeling where everything around me seems huge and I lie there feeling small and like everything is heavy and enormous in comparison to me. I remember that feeling when I was little. Maybe around age 7 or 8 I remember lying in bed running my fingers through me hair. Suddenly each individual hair on my head seemed so huge that it was heavy in my little fingers, struggling to run my fingers through it. But I loved the feeling, loved how it felt so incredibly big, abnormally big, and it was cold, really cold. I would get a unique feeling in my chest, sitting right in my throat. It felt strange, but felt good at the same time. Every now and then something happens as an adult that gives me the same feeling. It takes me back 1000 miles and hour, straight back to being a child and how incredible that feeling was. It was like having my own little world, a world only I could escape into. A world for no one else, only for me.

I am such a horrendous failure, I seek failure. It's like I need to fail so I won't have to live up to any high expectations. Which is interesting because many might say I have high expectations, particularly of myself. I was in a mild dream state today. While I tried to physically write my mind kept plunging into a partial dream like state. I kept looking down at the page only to see I'd written something entirely different than what I thought I was writing. It felt like I was languishing in a state of intense emotions that I had no control over, seductive yet slightly scary. I kept wondering if I was someone else. At times I was able to bring myself back to the present with a clear head space of exactly who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. Yet, at other times I felt I was floating back and forth in a cloudy haze of reality and a dream like state. Tonight that feeling has been relinquished, partially through physical loss and partly through a desire to take in the reality of my waking state. But now I shall try and sleep and will let myself drift off to sleep and let my mind go where ever it needs to.