Today I told myself it might be a good thing to go backwards to get forwards. Even though I know those things I once did, I did through a twisted lens of not being able to see straight. I remember a night going back to a bed I was confined to (somewhat against my will) feeling totally and utterly devastated that I was unsure of my next move. Funny how one emotion can be so strong yet you know you don't to feel it.
Since that night and since that dilemma in my mind, I've not been able to go back to who I was.

The last two nights I have slept fitfully, vivid dreaming, waking in fright, waking to hot, waking to cold, waking to an intense scream only to realise it was me. It's left me drained and sleepy. Tonight I wish for a peaceful sleep and to wake to a bright new day.

I like how my mind and body feel when I have let a sense of calm settle in. It's a wonderful warm feeling that makes everything seem easier. It's hard to be angry when there is nothing but calmness.

Tonight I felt that sense of doom. It hit me out of the blue. Perhaps I'm missing something, somebody, some sort of feeling of not really being here. It sometimes suprises me to look in the mirror. Sometimes the person I see in the mirror doesn't match what I think I am really like. Sometimes seeing a photo of myself makes me think somebody has been superimposed over the top of the picture and I struggle with trying to reconcile the girl in the photo and the girl in my mind. But alas that doesn't account for the sudden and overwhelming feeling that floods my body with fear and an acute sense of impending doom. I try and try to pretend it's not there or distract myself with seemingly meaningful things. It works for about 3 seconds and then the horrible sensation floods my body again. Perhaps it's time to sleep and hopefully wake up to a better time and place.

I have failed to write for a while. Maybe not 'failed' but neglected. Perhaps my mind has been still enough that I've not needed to, or perhaps my mind has been so frantic that I couldn't sit still for long enough to write something. My mind constantly flucuates between these states. Today my mind is frantic but my body is still. Some days I wish my mind was still and my body frantic. I suspect that would be more productive. I would be at my most productive if both my mind and body were frantic but it's hard to get to that level without the fear of crashing. I don't mind the crashing, if only it were easy to get back up again. Tomorrow I'm willing my mind to be somewhat frantic. I need my mind and my body to sustain me at an above normal level of frenzied activity. It needs to last for 28 days. Twenty eight days is the bare minimum required to for some kind of new habit.