My mind twirls and twirls. Somtimes intended, sometimes not. Twirl might be too pretty a word to describe it. It more like 'turmoil'. Where is the off switch. Sorry, humans don't come with an actual switch, though we can choose the moment if we really want too. I'm told that's not normal. Well fuck, I never thought I was normal anyway.

I fail to keep track of where I'm going and how I'm going to get there. Tomorrow would be just as good as any other day to start abstaining. From what exactly, I will discover that as I go along. One day it might be one thing, the next day it might be something else. It might simply be a test of willpower. I often feel powerless over my desire my immediate satisfaction, a desire to flood my body with bizzare yet intensly necessary emotion. I might do better if I had an end result in mind. The problem is I lose sight of that end result so quickly. How does one retain the initial resolution to see somthing through? Help me, as I am powerless to my own desires.

Feeling conected to another soul is incredibly reassuring. When the rest of the world seems so foreign to you, like no one seems to get your strange thoughts and actions, it's insanely wonderful to have another similar soul who understands you.

Loneliness is  being with someone while they are thinking of someone else. Life can be very lonely. The lonely times seem so long and desolate. Waiting for the sadness to pass, hoping your heart will bloom with happiness again. I wonder if your heart got too sad if you could transplant a happy heart in place of your desolate broken one. Is there a heart dump somewhere swelling with hearts that have been torn apart and left to die. Thankfully it is possible to repair most hearts. Sometimes though it is inevitable that to stop your heart being so lonely you must switch off your heart, stop it at a certain point in time, and feel no more.

Agirl who thinks she is not what she wants to be will never be what she already is, for it is extending what we already are that shows what we could be. Extending oneself beyond your current capabilities will only serve to let us believe, imagine and do what we think we are capable of.  It will propel one into a desired space of future belief in oneself that makes one want to create create create. Create a time and space around oneself that is reflective of the workings of ones internal head space that is ones true bizzare self.

Why do I think I'm going to actually start doing something (or not doing something) that I've been telling myself I'll do time after time after time and each attempt ends up being aborted because I have absolutely no will power. I am totally powerless to my own lack of will. The momentum builds and a work myself into a frenzy thinking I'll finally be able to do this. It starts with a bang and then ends will a fizzle, with my will power having been totally squashed and wondering how on earth I'll even make it through the next hour, let along the next complication in life. Mind you, I'm very good at zoning out and detaching completely if I think that being otherwise would tear me apart.

Is the only heartache in life loss? Loss of life, loss of love, loss of who you thought you were, loss of who you thought someone else was. Love, life, and loss is amazing, powerful, complicated and wonderful.

Sleep tonight and worry about the greater sorrows tomorrow

I did not know it would be so hard that it would in turn be so easy (unintentionally) to shut off. It can be a great way to deal with things if you can shut it off forever.

• I wonder if people you don't even know can look at you and know you are grieving or tormented. It's a matter of the right two people meeting at the right time when a glance that lasts a second or two account for a life time of whats going on in your mind. I remember being able to look at a certain person and feeling completely and utterly connected in a way that I didn't think possible.  Imagine finding that more than once.

There have been days in the past week where I've felt I couldn't even get out of bed. But something has made me get up. Some days I feel like I could stay at home for a week and stay in my warm bed.  I absolutely detest getting out of bed when  it's cold.  Some days I fear for the person I think I might be and wonder if I already am that person.  I look at myself in the mirror and depending on the day I see a different person each time. Some days when I see the refelction I really think it's me, but then it becomes kind of like a hologram and a version of me is transparent and begins to disappear. Quite indicative of how I feel or want to be some days.

I feel like my mind has two distinct parts that choose, or maybe deny, to recognise each other. It's a little like, if the two identities simply ignore each other, then they can pretend the other doesn't exist. But I'm not sure that it works that way. How long can one ignore the other, how long can they exist in their own little worlds? Will they become so adept at ignoring each other that they actually forget that they are not supposed to meet. One day they will collide, staring at each other, not wanting to acknowledge each others existence. Then they'll be forced to merge and try and find some kind of common ground, rather than pretending the other doesn't exist, living in completely different worlds, switching on and off as needed. It's easy to simply use one or the other, rather than trying to find a way that works for both of them. I suspect in time I will be forced to find a way to make the two parts malleable and merge them together, so that I can get through the rest of my life without having to pretend any more.

I've not idea where, why or how the feeling invades my mind and body. But one minute I'm living what I think is a standard kind of life and the next minute I'm jolted into hell as that sense of impending doom floods my body and seeps into my mind. I try a deep breath and if spreads a sense of calm through my veins, but it only lasts 1 or 2 seconds and then a sense of utter despair spreads through my veins. It won't leave me alone and I detest it being there. It leaves me incapable of carrying out the mundane tasks of everyday life, yet instils a sense of frenzied need to wallow, or possibly indulge, in random crazed thoughts that come into my mind. It doesn't matter if the thoughts are right, wrong or indifferent, at the point when they come rushing from my mind and surge through my body, I cannot claim I feel any sense of judgement, just intense dersire.