There are elements of the past you will never escape. Some elements are good and some are bad. All it takes is a look from someone, a smell in the air, a visual cue cast across your line of sight, a line of a song floating into your ears and it sends you reeling back into the past. There are times where I long for this to happen despite it tormenting me, and I have to work hard to get there. Yet there are times when I don't want this to happen despite it taking me back to a happy time. There are times when I either feel I want to or need to be tormented by it all.

Some days I start out calm but end up distressed at the end and some ways it's completely the other way around. Today was the latter. I started out thinking I couldn't start the day unless I reverted to old ways or more familiar methods of making my brain feel something. I don't know if I should see this as a failure or simply a naughty dash back to the past. It's a little of both. Right now I feel incredibly calm. A lingering side effect from a return to old ways. It will leave me soon and tomorrow I will wake wondering how I will again start another day where I continually amaze myself with both my resilience and my weakness.

I've always been an empathetic person, but it's so much more intense when it's your own flesh and blood. You feel the ups and the downs as they do. You can look into their eyes and feel what they are feeling. You would have to be made of stone to not feel it. 

My mind is cluttered. There are 10 million things I think about, that I need to do, want to do, should do, will do. All theses little things swirl around and around so fast that I don't have time to stop. My mind has failed me today. I can't slow it down enough to remember what I wanted to do, or should be doing next.

Today I kept thinking about how some people manage to wake up every morning and get out of bed without even hesitating. Do they ever wonder if it would have been easier or better if they hadn't woken up? Most mornings when I wake I simply want to go back to sleep. Some days it's because I'm tired. Some day's it's because I know I'll be bored. Some days it's because I just wish I hadn't woken up in the first place. There are days when I wish I didn't have to see a single person. There are days where I can't wait to get to my first appointment or activity for the day so I can be around people and save myself from self pity. Self destruction.

I've no why I continue to be a slave to my desires. Desires that often leave me with little control over what I do. Sometimes the intensity of emotion is so strong that I feel I have no choice but to let myself fall into it and let it take over me. I'd like to think that one day I may be able to sustain a calmness and control over the rollercoast ride of emotions and feelings that beseige me every day. I wish I could wake up in the morning and feel that I can get out of bed and feel happy to face the day. Feel some sense of calm or maybe even excitement about what the day might bring.

Upon waking I wonder if it would just be easier to go back to sleep. I don't know if I want to sleep because I want to dream or if I just simply want to escape.

In terms of 'normal' thinking I guess I should count today as a better day. Perhaps just aiming for baby steps is better than pretending I can make things suddenly stop.

Already I feel the resolve start to break down. All will not be lost though if I can make it to the end of the day in a better state than the day before.

I don't really trust myself with 'light bulb' moments.  While at the time I may strongly believe that I'll be able to carry out my plans, my momentum dissapates rather rapidly once the initial excitement is over. I did something tonight, which could take me back to square one with another 90 days ahead of me. While I strongly believe the literature that argues it takes approximately 90 days to break a habit, 90 days is not actually the norm. Perhaps that's why so many peopel fail. Now the light bulb moment has gone, maybe I won't think of it as having to be 90 days. I could do it in 3 sections. Three blocks of 30 days. The figure 3 most certainly appeals to my fascination with the number 3. When I wake tomorrow it will Friday 15th July. That's 5 lots of 3. Silly as it is that a number should mean something, it makes it a very appealing date to start, or at least try something that always has the potential to make or break me.

It's a wonder my sadness did lift on Monday. Perhaps remembering a particular person who is no longer here, made me feel happy with longing. However, since that day I have yearned be back in a time where I could touch them. It is a strange feeling, knowing that someone is no longer physically here but also knowing you won't every really be apart from them. It brings about pain, yet comfort to try and pretend that you were, or are, the only person, that they would feel this way about you.

The sadness has left me today, and I know I could probably even sit and let my mind roam to many a thing and feel ok about it. However, the cycle continues at least for today. I had thought I would wake and lurch into the day. But it was not to be. I awoke incredibly hazy, with my thoughts muddled and half of my body refused to accept trying to be pulled into a state of wakefulness. It didn't take me more than a second to make the decision to get my mind to a place where I would willing leave the bed. It has happened and although the day is heading toward late afternoon, I feel it has just begun.

I hate that little seed of sadness you're aware of deep inside you. You try and ignore it for a while only to realise it's grown immensely and the sadness has morphed into a huge gaping hole that leaves you feeling, well, sad. It urges it's way up and sits in your throat, threatening to explode. I try and find the energy to ignore it, keep busy, start a new project, bake a cake, write about it, tell myself it's really not there and then I feel a little tear escape from that little soft tissue in the corner of my eye. Look up and flick your eyelashes so the tears are pushed back. Try thinking of something funny or simply just try and tell yourself that it does pass. Actually knowing where the sadness came from and why makes me feel better already, knowing that tomorrow I will wake up feeling not so bad, hopefully even happy.

I don't think there would have been many times in my life where I've believed that people really understand me. Oh oh oh how cliche is that. Every now and then, after you've yet again said something a little odd, you spot a pair of eyes that totally understand what you've just said. Despite those moments being few and far between, the intensity when is happens is incredible. So intense that you know it would be unsustainable to have that every day of your life. It would self combust and crumble into a dissipated mass of trouble that no one would want to pick up. You'd be left wondering how on earth anything could ever match it again. You know you'd never find it again or if you did the wait would be too long and too painful to make it through.

There has been the odd moment where I have wondered if I've taken things a little too far. It could be the difference about 5 seconds and I realise this might be the end of it, the end of the feeings that make it worthwhile. But an additonal 5 seconds could change the whole outcome. Once it has subsided and I realise I'm back to the beginning I have a desire to start it all over again and see if I can recreate the same or even better feelings.

In this present moment I'm telling myself I am weak and incapable of honouring my much desired intent. When I'm in the moment and my senses are being flooded with peak motivation it's easy to draw in and seal the motivation within me. But when those external elements have dissapated it's hard to keep that motivation going. Relying solely on my mind is failing me. I can not let this be the case. I need to have a scene going in my mind, with words and thoughts, that keep an intense desire alive.

I'm not sure when I began to or came to the sudden realisation that I'm no longer what I thought I was. Sometimes I can get through a whole day in complete denial. If someone was to stare me in the face and tell me the truth I'd be genuinely shocked. Yet there are times when I am aware of another me drags me down with absolute guilt and fear. Some days it's incredibly easy to get caught up in practicalities of daily living and this prevents me from acessing the parts of my brain (or heart) that tell me a different story. I've heard it so often it almost feels like a cliche to stay I feel like an imposter, like a fraud, in my own life. But this so accurately describes precisely how I feel.

I yearn for there to be an easiness about this, but alas there seems not to be. On the outside it may seem a little distant, cold and detached. It can be that way on the inside too, if I choose it to be that way. For the moment though there are several things in my life that cannot be negotiated with. I want to control where my mind wanders to, to have the willpower to channel all my thoughts in one particular direction. Then I can succed and get where I need to be, even if it is detrimental.