A day without pain? No A day dedicated to pain? Maybe. Not the whole day but part thereof. Having days with pain helps remind you that things either will get better, or tragically they were once better, but no longer are. How do you get yourself into a head space where you hope, believe or even know that things will get better? Actually, I'm pretty good at this. I've taught myself how to let go of things and simply move forward. I love that I can see the good in everyone and in every situation. It's such a beautiful thing to be able to do. It frees up my mind to concentrate on other things and know that I can always find a way to be calm and happy. It's just that sometimes I deliberately choose not to do this. Why? Because often to write what I want to write or photograph or paint I need to be in a dark place, otherwise I just can't seem to create what I want to. The more intrinsically connected I am to that dark space circling around within and not knowing which way to go spurs my creativity. It's as simple as that. Spin, spin, click, click STOP

What a bitter pill to swallow. Just wish it were only just a little pill, down the hatch, all over and done with. But it's not to be.

Why do I seem to need to replace one bad thing with another. Uh oh, it's a way of continuing, or revelling in the denial. Who said that? Someone who believes in psycho babble, and today, that is not me. I sat in the studio today, mixing paints, trying to find just the right colour to add to a painting that has been sitting untouched for a while. I finished the painting, finally happy with how the colours blend into one another and merge from green to blue to grey to aubergine. I know a certain person who will really like this particuluar colour combination. Its that smoky grey that with the right light has a sheen of aubergine about it. Tomorrow I go back into vampire phase. Get the blood that so regularly gets sucked out of me. I shall take my journal to pass the time and document the innner bizzare workings of my warped mind.

I can't believe that I let myself go backwards today. But something good did come of it, I decided I didn't like the sliding back, in fact it made feel physically sick. Once you've got that connection it's really hard to go there again. I feel sickened by the whole thing and I think each day I'll wake feeling a little less desperate about things to come and forget that I ever wanted something spectacular. I hope to wake to a day where I simply get up and get ready and don't think about how much 'better' I could feel. Time is a great healer, and I think time will be kind to me. In fact, who knows, perhaps tomorrow will be a count down again from 1 -90.

I finsihed a painting today that I'm really happy with. I'm yet to see what might become my distinctive style. I hope it does evolve to that. My head space was coasting along just fine until mid afternoon, then it seemed to plummet. I wish I knew what it was about the afternoons that often fill me with dread.

What a roller coaster of emotion today. I keep being told there is something more to this and I keep getting told I need to 'tune' in to it. So so so sick of fucking psycho babble. I'm to the point I don't believe it anymore. There is a time in my life where I need to forget and if I find myself in a situation where it all comes flooding back then I simply need to push it aside, to compartmentalise it, and put it to rest. If it continues to haunt me, then I must continue to compartmentalise it. There is no reason, and perhaps no benefit in revisiting it, again and again and again. I haven't felt so teary for such a long time. I lay on the floor with 6 females looking over me, staring into my eyes. Examining my eyes and telling me how they look. But the intensely bright light overhead bought back a rush of fear from many years ago, being rushed into surgery, bright lights overhead, doctors and nurses hovering over me explaining what was about to happen. It was one of the moments in my life where I was chilled to the bone, flooded with absolute fear. Then the rush of anaesthetic pumping through my veins, quickly and quietly, and that was it. When I woke, I couldn't believe that pain could be so so bad. Frantically trying to find the morphine button, so comatose aned groggy, the nurse telling me and guiding my hand to the self administering button. I struggled so hard to keep pushing the button. If I couldn't find the button for relief then I may else well die. For a week I lay there in pain I've never known and perhaps will never know again, wishing I could die. The serious look on the doctors face, telling me I was losing blood at such a rate, it was either surgery, or or, dare they say it death. I wanted death so badly, yet the faces looking at me were either saying, don't die, or accept what was coming to me. I so wanted death, many times, but it never came.

Things are not always what they seem - what an obvious line. Sometimes you see people who you think can't possibly have any real problems in the big scheme of things, but then you dig a little deeper, or something comes up and you find out they too are different. But how many people does it take to be 'different' before their circumstances are now considered 'normal'. Most people think they want to be 'normal' but how boring would it be if everybody were. I'd like to be normal if, but only if I could go back in time and erase every detail from my mind of what it's like to not be normal. The problem with existing in a space where things are warped, is that a lot of the time it's wonderful and surreal, and I wouldn't want to have missed that. Perhaps there is something to envy in people who have never had any thoughts that deviate from a basic brain structure that is totally perfunctory.

I have that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach when suddenly everything feels 'not right'. That gut churning feeling like something really bad is about to happen. The day started off really well and everything went smoothly and I felt great and happy all day. But then in the last half hour my heart has plummeted rigth down to the bottom of my stomach. I don't know how to fix it, other than try and go to sleep and hopefully wake up with a better feeling tomorrow. This is what people like me describe as 'impending doom' and I hate hate hate it when it arrives, sitting, starting at the top of my chest and throat and then moves down to the bottom of my stomach making me feel terrible. Not just terrible, like everything is suddenly scary and bad.

I woke today feeling somewhat refreshed. It's not that often that I feel like that. The day went too quick and before I knew I'd peaked to a high point and managed to sustain it for the afternoon. But now it's fallen, and there is nothing to bring it back up. I am lost.

This could be a continuation and therefore it would be day 94. But if it's a new start it would be day 4. I don't really care anymore. Does it really matter how many 'days' it takes, as long as things head in the right direction. The problem is sometimes that direction is not always what people might consider the 'correct' direction. I'm torn between taking two paths. Somedays it's easy to convince myself, or rather stay on automatic pilot, and take the correct path. Other days I deliberately want to take the path that leads me away from normality and away from the rest of society. At least this path has no end, I can keep going, meeting amazing people along the way who themselves have often taken the wrong path too. On the 'correct' road I do meet some amazing people, but there is something restrained about it all. Sort of like, don't diverge too far or attempt to go a long way because this normal road ends. For me, it's like there's a road block at the end and that's it. That's it! Is that it for life, nothing more, can't push your mind to think on consider other options of what could be out there. Life would be much easier if I'd never discovered the 'incorrect' path, then I'd never know what I was missing out on. The problem is I do know what I would miss out on if I took the correct road, and I most certainly do not want to miss out on any of it. No matter how dark or painful it might be, it's an incredible experience that I need need need to have.

Today is strange. Stranger than I've felt in a while. The strange light headedness of being slightly ill and recovering from a high fever the past week. It's a bit odd trying to figure out what's real and what's not. Right now it seems all to real that I'm trying to deal with the mundaness of domestic life but wishing I was simply going mad. Madness would be preferable to any sort normalcy and watching the world go by doing stupidly mundane things that do nothing to enhance their inner world. I would rather be committed and have my brain and mind work overtime channeling into a world where things are distorted and fanciful and fun. Where you have an absolute freedom to think whatever you want and to voice whatever you want. Who cares if the people restrained by a suit or a sensible dress think it's odd. It's not odd. What's odd is going through life never even contemplating a different way of thinking. A different way if doing things even if it doesn't get the expected result. I don't care about 'expected' results. I care about my brain being in a whirlwind of desire and fantasy, yet still within the confines of what I see, feel and hear around me. I wish I could more often feel like I feel when I'm in that hypnogogic state and I can't tell what's real. But it's such a wonderfully out of control feeling. If I'm going to be out of control then I want it to be grand.

Today is technically day 90 but I know it doesn't stop here. It doesn't miraculously get any better, or even any worse for that matter. I've been in bed for the last few days with a fever and a slightly delirious head space. I guess that makes it easier to belive I'm doing ok because when I'm genuinely sick I just can't be bothered with bad behaviour. It's a chance, however, to connect bad behaviours to bad feelings and hopefully sometimes that's just enough to brings up ill feelings when I think about undertaking certain behaviours. I don't think I should start 90 days again, I think I should just continue on a journey of abandoning reckless and stupid behaviour. But how do I stay true to that when I'm so on edge or my mind is in a whirlwind of of heightened desire to drift back into bad behaviour?