Day 54 and today was a great day. I can't explain truthfully why so, but it just was. Perhaps I could be honest with myself but then I wouldn't know what to say or do to anyone who asked for the truth. The last couple of days have been busy but amazingly boring, boring to the point I wondered why I didn't just sleep through the past 48 hours. When I don't want to get up in the morning I know things are probably taking a down hill slide. Today though I woke with that little feeling that's condensed in a little ball and bouncing around in my solar plexus that incites pleasure. It's a good feeling, where by everything feels fine, even good, and then every now and then it peaks into anticipated excitement. I wish I could feel that every day. I don't know how to achieve it though. Perhaps just by pretending each morning when I wake up that the feeling is there it might make it actually happen. The power of belief can be a great thing, so perhaps it is possible. I wonder then if it's possible to change that intense impending doom and fear that often comes on toward the end of the day. That fear feels so so real, but I don't know what I'm fearful of. It's just an intense dread that started in my throat and continues down through the solar plexus and into my stomach. It's the only feeling that I can describe in detail and how it sends my brain spinning with fear and loathing of myself and what I might be capable of doing.

I didn't sleep until late last night, or rather early this morning. I woke late today but amazingly I woke feeling what could only be described as content, perhaps even happy. I noticed that while we were away over Christmas I awoke several mornings feeling this way. I don't even think I can remember the last time this happened. It could be the new medication, that I've been taking for the last 4 weeks and haven't skipped a dose (forgotten or otherwise). Some of the thoughts are still there and already I have to admit that the habit continued today. However I feel positive that while it's a setback, I am still moving forward. Moving forward in the right direction. I wish every day could feel this way. The weather is incredibly depressing. It's summer but a change has set in of cooler temperatures and non stop rain. Some days, like today, I enjoy hearing the rain and trying to feel 'cosy' inside the house. But sometimes the lack of bright light makes me feel intensely hollow and there is that familiar feeling of 'impending doom'. I had that precise feeling yesterday and for the first time in a long time a took a pill to help settle the anxiety. I try not to do this because they are so addictive and one needs more and more to get the same effect if they are taken continuously. Today I feel quite content just wandering around the house, taking care of little jobs and trying to make plans for the bigger jobs that need to be done. As I write this I glanced at my latest painting. It's an acrylic of my memory of the 1983 Ash Wednesday bush fires. Those fires evoked enourmous fear and anxiety in me. When it was clear that our house had survived, we drove home. I was too young to have any say in it and I was absolutely terrified of going home knowing that there were so many spot fires and while most of the foliage around our house had burned down it didn't mean that a spot fire couldn't still take to the house. Perhaps this is why I sometimes love the consistent sound of gentle rain falling outside. I know that everything in the natural and man made environment will be filled and soaked with rain. I like knowing that it would be hard for a fire to take hold when so much water has soaked the earth around me. I intensely fear the searing heat of a summer sun that threatens to engulf everything in flames.

Sometimes I hate the holiday season. When the shops are closed and families are tucked up inside their houses or off on holidays I feel like the whole world has disappeared. I feel so alone. Sitting here by myself waiting for my own little family to return. It's one of those days where I simply long to feel good or better. I'm up to day 51 and while I keep having little set backs I'd like to think I'm slowly but surely making it to where I should be, a better place where I can think like a normal human being. But the sky is grey and rain intermittently falls, making my mood plunge a little lower and I crave for something, anything to take away the gut wrenching feeling that sits just below the solar plexus. It feels empty and hurts.

Day 48 and I managed to vaguely keep myself together. I'm visiting family and when I go into town all I see are feral people roaming around and I wonder how on earth one would end up like that. It's quite good incentive for keeping a bit of culture in one's life. When I crossed the road some revolting guy made a comment about having been waiting for me. He and all the others like him can wait as long as they like, I'll never be going down their road, never. I'd rather die than live like that. Perhaps I should blame my mother. Right now feels like an endless road of trying to figure out what's about to come next. I have slept well the last few nights and I both dread and long for a night where I wake in the middle of the night from a dream where I can barely pull my mind and body from the force of the dream, a force that takes a while to overcome and realise where you really are and what's happening. Sometimes it's enough to put you in a particular state of mind, that keeps the bizzare and wonderfully crazy thoughts coming quick and fast enough to make you question who you are, where you are and where you're going. Enough to make you yearn for it over and over again. I wish I could get there again, hopefully tonight. Perhpaps tonight will bring that etheral state of being to me again.

Day 47. A small hiccup but nothing to atrocious. I do still wonder if when people look at me they can tell there is dialogue going on in my head that would not be understood by some, or maybe all. The words swim around so quickly it feels like that moment when you wake up and still feel like you are trying to pull yourself out of a dream that you've just woken from.

Day 46, a little unsure of how or which way to go forward, or perhaps even backwards. Some days it brings just a little more pain to realise that perhaps I'm stuck in the present. Some days I feel so invisible but there is so much inside me that wants to be understood. I'm never quite sure who would understand if I did start spurting forth with all the thoughts in my head. I quite like living in a bit of a fantasy land. To be otherwise would be all to boring.

Day 45, but for majority of the time I've stopped counting. I've not given in. But sometimes not giving in to it propels me in another direction of destruction so is it really a success? There seem to be so many things that my mind, and sometimes my body, craves. It needs to condense everything and let it come spewing out like an overflow valve. Things are most certainly mundane at present, mostly externally though. I think when things are particularly mundane on a day to day basis is probably when my mind feels the madness. I can't cope with the boredom of walking through the day, thinking and feeling nothing. That's when it starts to tunnel into a void of change.

Finally, she sleeps. I awoke feeling slightly groggy but rested. It's funny what I dream about. I did something last night that I was obviously worried about being found out. Then while I slept the scene kept playing out but I was so worried I'd been found out. In the dream everyone seemed to know that I'd done something but no one could actually figure out what it was. Yesterday was such a tiring day. Shooting wedding photos all day, but I'm happy with the results. I realise now that what I set out to do is slowly working. But how can destructive behaviour feel so good?

I thought lack of sleep might leave me in a confused state. But it seems lack of sleep and lack of food does something to the brain chemistry that makes one feel a little elated. The last few nights I've now laid down to sleep intil 4am or later and then I'm back up by 7am. Now it's 1am and I wonder if I should try and sleep. I'm the only one awake in the house. We are staying with family for christmas and all but me is sound asleep. Part of me wants to take the opportunity to stay awake all night so I can find some pleasure in being all alone with my thoughts, no one to interrupt and ask me questions. Tell me to eat, to drink, to sleep, ask what's wrong, what can they do blah blah blah. I know it's just a phase. Next week I'll probably be sleeping like a baby and craving chocolate morning, noon and night, but I hope not. Tomorrow I have to be up early to get organised to shoot a family wedding. It's going to be awfully hot. I hate the heat, but hopefully being fuelled by the elation of lack of everything one's body needs will make me fly. Now I will lay down and lay there thinking of bizzare situations and making little stories in my head. Stories that only I can see. Perhaps one day there will be certain people, or in particular a certain person that all will be revealed to. Wow, I can't even remember what number day this is supposed to be but all is well and I'm managing just fine. Problem is I compensate and substitute. It's not meant to be this way.

Right now I feel like I could stay awake forever. There's been so much to do and seemingly so little time to get it all done. If I go to bed now I'll be up in 3 hours doing it all over again. It's quiet in the night when you're the only one awake. The hum of whitegoods in the background and occasionally the sound of what I think is a possum outside. If I listen carefully I can hear the rush of cars going by up on the main road. I miss living in the hub of activity. This place is way too quiet for me. Strange that when I'm awake in the wee hours and struggle to hear the sounds of the outside world I feel kind of different and it reinforces what I think of myself. Yet during the if there are no sounds indicating life outside I almost panic. I feel a strange sense of loss and loneliness. I need to hear the sounds of daily life going on. It reassures me that I'm real and that people can perhaps see me, not through me.

These little thought bubbles, they come and they go, before I can even figure them out. Which means I sometimes find my mind working backwards trying to create some meaning or reason for the little thoughts. A good day but I can't say why. Busy maybe. I feel like everyone is in 'party mode' in the lead up to christmas. People seem to be a bit 'nicer' for want of a better word. Lucky they can't read or even sense what's in my head. It seems to be all too easy for most people to let the words tumble out of their mouth while an entirely different conversation is going on in their head. All for social ettiquete. Some days I just tell the truth about how I really am and people are shocked to hear that "I'm not good" thank you. Thank you, thank you for asking, but forgive me for telling the truth. The truth hurts and most people don't want touch it.

Hyped up but feel ready to lay down and try and sleep. I don't know how or why I make myself do it again and again. It's an urge that just doesn't seem to wane. Yesterday was the first day in a long time where I didn't desire to lay down and let my body melt away and my mind stayed stagnant for some time. I need my mind to keep craving things that remind that the world is not all insane. So many things seem crazy and insane and some days I just watch people moving around, wondering what they're thinking, if they think anything is odd in this world. I guess perhaps they really don't think about it. That can be the biggest downfall. It makes it complicated to think. Just don't think. Just pretend you can get up every day and not think. But what would I be without trying to see inside people's heads.

Today i woke late. Yesterday we had a party and I didn't stop drinking the whole time. Over the course of the afternoon and evening you really don't understand how much you've really had. I didn't know if I'd cope with the influx of people but the whole thing went smoothly and I loved it. It's funny though, standing around talking to people wondering if they can see into your head. Sometimes someone gives you a look and you swear they can see what the words inside your head are. They don't say what the words are though, they just give you a look. It makes you panic slightly, just waiting for if they are going to say anything. Always waiting for someone to say the thing I'm dreading people will find out and that I'll be sent flying back through time, back to a place I both love and hate.

I woke around 3am, tossing and turning, sleeping little. I rose at 5am and then of course had a flurry of activity getting everything ready for later. I made sure all the wine glasses where ready, the champagne cold, the strawberries cut and everything else ready to go. I could do with another boost but scared if I start this early then I have no idea how I'll end up when all the guests arrive at 3pm. I feel incredibly industrious, energy seeping from my pores, that will keep me going for some time yet. Scary thing about that is, if it lasts more than a day or two I know there will be a crash at some point. Who wouldn't want to feel great though. It's so so hard to look at it practically when there's a rushing through your body that sustains you and propels you forward to better and greater things. But then later, those better and greater things pale in comparison to how low you feel. Can't stop it today though. I need all the energy I can get for the influx of guests come 3pm. Cheers to champagne.

Two days and I've managed to get through both with little thought of relapse. Haven't even contemplated it. Good days will hopefully lead to more and more pure days. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is some days. But thankfully the last two days have been guilt free and my mind has managed to focus on the present. I've woken and my thoughts have not immediately deviated to bad thoughts and desires. I long for the day when it is all a distant memory and I have to to work hard to remember what it was like to indulge in desires I felt like I had no control over. Interesting how, ultimately it is you that has control over how you react and respond to situations but when your mind is not your own you feel like immediate satisfaction is all that matters. It's like a 2 year old who only understands instant gratification, they have no concept of the future. I hope that after two good days that many more will follow. I'd like to think that out of 90 days, majority will be guilt free, then I can tell myself that most of my desires follow the good rather than the route to evil desire. Sometimes I practice solipsism, as though I can not imagine anything beyond my own internal desires. Sometimes the thoughts in my mind are so insular and stem from deep fear and self preservation that I feel like a ball of solipsism up in the corner of a room watching myself complete tasks that mean nothing and contribute absolutely nothing to extending my self.

Today felt like the worst day in a long time. I couldn't control my impulses and let myself indulge way too many times. I'm at a loss as to why I do this to myself. I know how bad it can make me feel in the long term, but in the short term I can't see any other way out.

The buzzing is still there, still taking up my brain space. It's quieter now, but still buzzing away in the background. I had a terrible headache, but with a rush of relief it's now gone. I still didn't get through the day without being in a haze of emotion that I couldn't control. It's so hot today, when I sweat I wonder if the bad thoughts and strange things are being purged from my body. I feel like I'm knarled inside, like it would take a lot of strength to purge all the bizzar things from my body. The problem is the thoughts come and go so I'll never know if they are truly gone...............

There's a buzzing in my ear. Like there's a little bug flying around but the buzzing sounds like a siren. It started with a thumping sound and for a moment I thought there was music coming from next door. But no, it's in my head, bursting out of my ear. Today was not a good day, but it wasn't horrendous either. I slept a bit during the day. I thought I wouldn't fall asleep, but I lay my head down for moment and then I woke 2 hours later. I'm so exhausted. I wish the doctor would just give me another iron transfusion. It always makes me feel more energetic within a week. I hate being anaemic, I constantly feel like I just can't get enough sleep or my legs feel so heavy it's an effort to put one foot in front of the other when I walk. Tomorrow will be good day. The day is all set out and I don't have to think about anything. I simply have to just go from one place to another and do what's requested. Some days my head is just too foggy to actually think about what I might or could do. Some days I just need to be told what to do. If the day is too free, sometimes it hurts my head to think about what I could, would or should do. It sends all these little thoughts spinning around in and then I just don't know which thought it good or bad and whether it's a real thought or not. So many thoughts are strange and distant but other thoughts feel incredibly mundane and it would be so easy just to follow through on those thoughts. But I know I'll end up so bored, I'll get so bored that then my head will fill with grandiose thoughts that I think will make me happy.

One more day with yet another red cross to my name. The thoughts are all still there and I acted on them. I keep telling myself it's not worth it and I should just push the thoughts out of my mind and concentrate on something else. Oh, if only it were that easy! Today I feel quite productive and I'm not letting deeper thoughts penetrate into the brain. That way I can concentrate on the mundane stuff of everyday. But when my body is is going through the motions of mundane activities, that's when the madness can seem like a wonderful thing.

Too too many........thoughts......can people see it, maybe they can see it in my eyes. I haven't figured out why I make myself do it and keep letting myself do it again and again. There is one thing I know though. I remember how I felt when I first had the thoughts. The problem is, I will never get that back no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do.

I have that heavy feeling in my chest. Like something is crushing down against it and I have to work hard to breath. It's partly my own fault, partly because I left if open to feeling like this. The promise of the previous feeling puts me into denial about how I'll end up feeling. I wonder if this is how it would feel to die, if you had that crushing feeling in your chest. Would you get an adrenalin rush, pushing out to the extremities of your fingers and toes, and then rush back to your chest where it would beat so hard against your chest pressing down against you. Perhaps I'd get that feeling where everything around me seems huge and I lie there feeling small and like everything is heavy and enormous in comparison to me. I remember that feeling when I was little. Maybe around age 7 or 8 I remember lying in bed running my fingers through me hair. Suddenly each individual hair on my head seemed so huge that it was heavy in my little fingers, struggling to run my fingers through it. But I loved the feeling, loved how it felt so incredibly big, abnormally big, and it was cold, really cold. I would get a unique feeling in my chest, sitting right in my throat. It felt strange, but felt good at the same time. Every now and then something happens as an adult that gives me the same feeling. It takes me back 1000 miles and hour, straight back to being a child and how incredible that feeling was. It was like having my own little world, a world only I could escape into. A world for no one else, only for me.

I am such a horrendous failure, I seek failure. It's like I need to fail so I won't have to live up to any high expectations. Which is interesting because many might say I have high expectations, particularly of myself. I was in a mild dream state today. While I tried to physically write my mind kept plunging into a partial dream like state. I kept looking down at the page only to see I'd written something entirely different than what I thought I was writing. It felt like I was languishing in a state of intense emotions that I had no control over, seductive yet slightly scary. I kept wondering if I was someone else. At times I was able to bring myself back to the present with a clear head space of exactly who I was and what I was supposed to be doing. Yet, at other times I felt I was floating back and forth in a cloudy haze of reality and a dream like state. Tonight that feeling has been relinquished, partially through physical loss and partly through a desire to take in the reality of my waking state. But now I shall try and sleep and will let myself drift off to sleep and let my mind go where ever it needs to.

Day 24,fail, fail, fail. Again and again and again. I don't know when it started to sway off course but it's been this way for a long time........ I hope tonight that dreams (or is it really the waking state, perhaps when we think we are dreaming we are really plunging into reality) take me to a world where purity is the first assumption

Day 23, fail fail fail. I haven't even managed to make it 1/3 of the way through this without being able to control myself. Tonight I feel incredibly mundane, but with that madness taking over your head in a way that you think you should be able to tell it to stop but it keeps flitting back and forth putting out little ideas and words that sometimes make me think I'm dreaming.

Day 21 and yes, I have failed.

When I'm on the verge between sleep and waking, there is often screaming in my head. My body often shakes, trembles and I feel a jolt seize my body. It's then that I wake and I have to remind myself that it's the present moment. Whatever I've been dreaming about is at the forefront of my mind and it's vivid, almost real until I realise I'm awake. Often in the second before I wake with a start I feel the presence of someone over me, grabbing me or jumping on me. But then it feels like they fall through me, and I can physically feel them falling through me body as I rise from laying down. This started about 6 months ago, and it's been happening regularly ever since. It's such a strange physical feeling. I'm momentarily frightened and it leaves me slightly breathless. Sometimes I can almost feel it about to happen when I begin to wake but I have no control over it. It's haunting and strange.

Some things get lost in translation, others just get lost. When you're alone it's sometimes hard to imagine there is actually anyone else in the world, especially anyone who would understand your voice of reasoning. Even as a child I never thought there was anyone who 'got' me or understood the way I think. As I get older I sometimes feel there are people who might understand. The problem is I don't know if they really understand or if they're actually just intrigued about how mad one person can be.

Blood rushes through my veins at too quick a tempo. Rushes to my stomach, causing dull aching pain. Then it drains, making me feel totally lacking in the liquid of life. I wish I could lie down and feel a dangerous, yet familiar and wonderful spreading of tingling and warmth through my body. I can't let it happen again though. To be numb is good, but it's isolating and lonely. It's also dangerous if you've convinced yourself you'll never need to deal with the pain, and then something happens that brings it all rushing to the surface and you've no control how, when, where or why this will happen.

Day 17. A am a failure. But some days I don't see it like that. Somedays I think I'd be more of a failure if I didn't indulge in behaviours that stop my soul from dying or stop me body and mind from falling apart and retreating into oblivion. I wonder how my body manages to keep working (just), and stop myself from falling to the depths of despair or the highest of high. Actually despite a failure today, I feel ok today. My breathing in constant, no heart palpitations from fear or excitement and no inhaling and holding my breath because I don't know what's coming next.

Wish I could escape the heat. It makes my mind like mud. Too sticky to think, but laying under the fan seems quite exotic. Sometimes I have moments where I feel like I could walk out into the street in my nightie and lay down on the hot road, hoping it will rain. The pain has eased today, not more constant stomach cramping. It's still there but is bearable today. Can't speak for the pain in my mind though. Sometimes I wonder if the torrid thoughts will ever stop, and maybe they really shouldn't

Day 15, or at least I think so. I have been headstrong the last few days in restraining myself. I can't say I've made it to day 15 without failing, but at least I've made it to day 15 and I'm still here. I may be weak, tired and in varying amounts of pain, but none the less I am still breathing and feeling. I wake in the morning feeling slightly more positive than I would have several months ago, yet so many days I could easily go back to sleep and not face the world. I sway between wanting to take advantage of the illness and wanting to quash it completely so I don't have to think about or feel anything.

This heat is so oppressive, but perhaps it's my guilt that oppresses me. Sometimes I think guilt can be incredibly self destructive, if let out of control. Perhaps guilt should be boxed into the compartments that represent different areas of you life. Can you really have guilt yet let not infect every area of your life. I like to think I can control it but every now and then it floods my my body.

I am so soooo tired. My legs feel like they've got concrete in them. The air is steamy and sticky, it has a passionate kind of feel about it. If only I was not too tired to take advantage of such conditions. Anaemic, white, pale and tired. I feel like I could sleep for a year and still wake up tired. But hopefully time will heal a little, perhaps next week when particular hormones kick back in I'll feel a little more energetic. I lay on the bed this afternoon just watching the fan go round and round and anticipating the rush of air beat my body with each spin of the blades. I like doing that. It's monotonous, but kind of relaxing, hearing the whizzing of the blades, hoping the whole thing doesn't fall from the ceiling and carve your delicate body into pieces.

Totally spent. Head space not quite clear again. Where does she go from here, she knows not where, but she will let it take her to an amazing place

Day 12 and I've failed again.

Hot again and my head is fuzzy. I shop for party goods and feel the glare of the checkout lady. She either thinks I'm a dedicated woman or have had an impulsive need to stock up on non essentials. Whichever it is she still looks, glares and says nothing. I realise my car is parked the wrong way and it takes forever to load the car. People wait and wait, I just put my head down and pretend I can't see them. When I get into the car, it's hot and I need to sit for a moment to be sure I won't melt and completely disappear. It's all fuzzy, fuzzy, fuzzy........

Woke up earlier than usual this morning and don't feel that tired . Sometimes I worry either my brain or body is sending me lies when this happens. I trust how I feel, but don't necessarily trust my body to send the right signals to my brain.

Ahhh to get through the day wondering how you've done it again. At least there were no relapses today. All good, but maybe that's something to do with Tuesday being a therapy day. Would be the worse look to relapse while at therapy. But then again, it could be either the best or the worst place to do it. Don't think I'll try and find out. I really just want to fall in a heap and sleep for a month. I am so absolutely and completely exhausted. Am probably anaemic again, which would explain my sheer exhaustion. Last night I had a strange dream. I was living as two people in one world. Had to keep changing depending on who I was with. Just when I thought it was all about to come undone there was a disaster that saved me (once again!). It was like an avalanche of human beings and I was terrified I would be drowned or crushed under the thousands of humans falling from the world. I found myself getting out alive but kept seeing people who knew my secret. Strangely no one said a word. It was then I realised that everyone else has secrets too...................................

It's day 10 and I feel like I have to make up in today what I failed in yesterday. I'm only at day 10 and I'e already given in twice. I hate myself when I give in, it, eventually it makes me feel sick. Sometimes I just wish I was 'normal' as such, but then I don't think I could live with my emotions only ever swinging marginally from either side of the pendulum. I guess it's feeling those emotions at both extremes of the pendulum that make me realise there is so much more to be experienced than not having the pendulum swing.

I realise now that I'm technically into day 8. Let me see, feel, taste and hear what the day will bring and how my thoughts will culmintate by the end of the day

I don't know when to go to bed. There seems to be so much I need to, or want to, get done. My mind is buzzing with memories of the day, a day that was quite blissful with the promise of even more elation to come on another day. Well, technically it already another day, but until I sleep it will feel the one lovely long long day.

Don't even remember what number day is................but there has been one failure. Can't win them all. Tomorrow is a new day.......

Mmmm, had a great day today. All happy and satisfied. Brain wants to get going at an amazingly fast pace. Don't know where that will take me to. Somewhere to neverland, but there are always consequences from going up too fast. I tried to exist on as little as possible the last few days. Lots of coffee and a few cigarettes. Not a good combination, but it seems to push up the elation. Tomorrow is check in day again, don't want to eat, but need to get through the process of it just for one day. I sense it's going to be a fantastic weekend.

Spin spin spin. Stop

While I try to focus on something everything peripheral seems to spin. Still have a shocker headache but hoping my body will adjust to this. I painted today. When I paint I feel so much in my own space. It's quite cathartic. I don't know where I got to today but I came home feeling quite ok, no lurching in my stomach of despair or anxiety. Day 5 and I think I've done it. Thought about it, but then actually forgot about it!

Another day to wake too. So far so good. Shocking headache, could be new meds. The more I commit to myself the stronger I become. Don't know how long that can last for though. Today I promise myself I will start a new painting, finish reading a book. bake a cake, make dinner, do the ironing, make a skirt, have 3 cigarettes, drink 2 cups of strong coffee, allow myself 1 apple, make a plate for a meeting tonight, phone the babysitter, buy new ink, buy 4 new canvases, make 3 phone calls, buy 1 present and skip dinner. But the only thing I will do is go to the doctor and tell him this. See how it rolls off my tongue, too fast, too slow. What if he doesn't listen, what if I say too much or not enough. Momentarily it daunts me seeing the long list, but if I get up now and explode my into my secret head space I know I can do it.

t's late and I've been frantically baking. Baked three cakes but only need one for tomorrow. I feel like I want to stay up all night but then if I don't go to sleep I won't get to dream. I worry, or maybe hope, that if I wake early tomorrow morning that it's a sign of good times to come, but then there always lurks a low. I'm almost excited to see what time I will wake, and what I will have dreamt of during my other life that is sleep.

I realise now that I've actually made it through 4 days. 4 days of hell. 4 days of bliss. 4 days of nothing to think about other than whether I'll even wake up or not. My dreams are vivid and full of potent emotion that sucks the life out of me by the time I wake. Four days is good. But htf do I get through the next 86 days. I wish my waking thoughts could be my sleep time and that my dreams at night could be lived out during the day. I don't want to fail at this, I don't want to fall yet again and have to start all over again. Perhaps it is not right for me to be living this mundane life. Who know what awaits when I sleep tonight.

A long hot day in Sydney. Was feeling quite normal, if not a bit too happy, until I drove home this afternoon. Suddenly the mood plummets and I've no idea where it came from. I woke at 5am this morning and didn't go back to sleep. I haven't done that in a long long time. Perhaps it's the 'early morning waking'. I long for that feeling of waking happy, to a bright new day that nothing can ruin. Today that feeling stayed with me most of the day, and now it's gone. So called experts tell you to 'sit' with the feeling. Sit there and go crazy! I don't want to sit with the feeling, I just want it to go away. How long can you 'sit' for before you go out of your mind and do something stupid or regretful? I want to wake to days that make me spin with excitement and happiness, days where nothing is too hard or complicated, everything is amazing and wonderful. Days like that are to be treasured, but they are also incredibly fragile. It only takes one thing to go wrong and suddenly you're plummeting back down further than you were before, then you constantly search, frantically search, hoping that you can speed back up the hill again to another fantastic day. I want to wake happy tomorrow. Today is technically day 3 of I don't know what! But so far, so good, no real relapse here, but oh how I long for there to be.

Medications don't really solve anything. They just suppress it, which one day everything will just have to explode. When and where that will happen, I just don't know. Someone will probably bear the brunt of it all, but it might be simpler to do it all by myself. I wish there was a medication that could sustain a constant high. The world would be an amazing place if we could be high all the time. We'd probably deal with the mundane things a whole lot better than we do, and we'd enjoy doing it. I stuffed my mind full of trivial stuff today. I tried to get by pretending every thing is ok, but pick at the seams a little and there is stuffing falling out all over the place. Stuffing that I have to some how shove back in so I can get through another day. it's kind of fun though to leave little bits of your stuffing at different places, with different people, hoping that, perhaps, you've left people with something that they didn't have before, something that they might think about.

9.18am and already I don't know if I'll get through the day. Watching everyone at the school run this morning. How mundane it seems to be. But every other mum or dad appears to be happy. Why? do they think that it doesn't get any better so therefore they better be happy about it. At least this morning when I woke I didn't immediately think that going back to sleep would be the best way to get through the day, not having to face anything. But now that I'm back home it seems like an easy option. I could just take a pill and sleep for the rest of the day. But then I'd be rid of any interesting thoughts that might come my way. I'm going to go to the studio. I plan to at least get a couple of ideas written down and start at least one painting. I can listen to music that will take my mind elsewhere, pretend I'm someone else, somewhere else in my head.

The fading eerie light is driving me insane. Like, I'm not already insane enough! I hate daylight savings. It begins by pretending it's going to stay light with just that little glimpse of sun coming through, then the glare fades and it promises darkness for a long long time. Enough to torment me with that gut wrenching feeling, like someones put a fist down my throat and is twisting it for increased effect. It's about now that I turn all the lights on draw the curtains so I can pretend it's been dark for hours. The awful feeling that this eerie twilight creates has been with me since I was about 12 or 13 years old. I don't quite know what it is but I hate it, hate it, hate it...............

Day 2 and I've managed to sleep most of the day. But now I must face doing some incredibly mundane tasks like ironing and preparing dinner. Let's see how chaotic I can get my mind to be, what I can think about, dream about, long for in a world that doesn't understand one exploring the inner mind, let alone act on the thoughts that get plucked out of there. I don't suppose I'm going to be able to get through the next 88 days by sleeping, but hey I guess it's an option.

Today is what I hope will be day 1 of 90 days. 90 days supposedly breaks a habit when one chooses to do without something. I've called this blog mundane madness as it's often how I feel. I get through the mundane tasks of everyday life but my mind feels ferociously mad, like I can't stop processing thoughts at a million miles an hour. I don't know exactly what I'm hoping to break in 90 days, perhaps smoking, perhaps drinking, perhaps thinking............................