Today is one of those days when you wonder if you really can continue on like this. I wonder how I'll get through this. It's not just the turmoil in my mind, it's the absolute physical pain that goes with it. I know my immune system is so broken that there are days I wonder why or how I'm still alive. I tend to just keep going, pretending I don't have a choice and I try to put it to the back of my mind and pretend it's not happening, like I don't have to deal with it all. Then there are days where it's the only thing I can think about and it makes me angry, scared and completely and utterly sad. Today is one of those days.

I wonder if I'm alone. Could someone else be reading my thoughts while I'm thinking them. It reminds me a little of the book 'Sophie's World'. When I lay down at night and slip into sleep does someone else take my place in a waking state somewhere else in the world? When I dream, is that reality? When I'm awake, perhaps it's really all a dream. It confuses me somewhat to try and figure out just what is reality. But does it even really matter which state I think is the real reality? It doesn't. Sometimes when I wake from an amazing dream I wish it could have been longer. If I'm still in the dream when something is waking me I can easily slip back into the dream and continue the story. Even during the day when I'm day dreaming I can do this.

I woke at 4am last night. Restless, shaky and shadowed by a thought that something was not right. I couldn't stop moving, walking and simply wishing I could go back to sleep. I finally fell into a restless sleep only to wake with a start of realising scared I would fall into such a deep sleep I would be paralysed with fear. Today was one of those days when I could have so easily burst into tears anytime anyone spoke to me. I often find myself standing among other people wishing I could see into their mind. I want to see if the boring crap coming out of their mouth is what is really what they are thinking. We feel compelled to talk about the obvious common things. Me, I'd love to just smoothly say the strange and dark things that are in my mind. The consequences however may not be best for having to see these people day in, day out at the school gate. But damn, it can be so fucking boring.

Some days I get enormous pangs of guilt. I so often feel like a fraud and wonder if I should have to die if anyone discovered what's really going on in my head. It's as if I have to try and keep a straight face, not for the fear of laughing, but crying. Every now and then it shocks me when I look around me and realised this is where I am. How the hell did I get here. I remember when I was about 7 or 8 and wondering how it would be to be grown up. When I was little I couldn't wait to be an adult. Believe me, I wouldn't go back to being a kid for even a moment. It took me until my late 20's, early 30's before I could begin to be who I want to be and to actually show it. So today I sit and wonder where all that time has gone and occasionally worry that I won't have enought time left, whether it be my own doing or not.

I spent a whole hour today in a book store searching for just the right book for a loved one. There were hundreds, if not thousands of books on the topic of which I was searching. Despite perusing the covers or flicking through the contents of hundreds of books there was only one book which I kept coming back to. Now it sits wrapping in crisp white paper ready to be posted to the receiver tomorrow. I know they will appreciate the content of the book. In fact I know they will soak up every word and try to implement all the ideas and thoughts into their own life. When your life feels out of control and you're on a destructive path to nowhere, staying focused and forcing yourself to concentrate on following one path can prove very hard. But I know the person who will read the book will try really hard wrestle back their life. They will slowly gain a new perspective in acting out their life and by the time they reflect back upon the events that sent their life spiralling out of control the pain from those events will have lessened to such a degree that they will be able to simply move on.