Yesterday I received 3 units of much needed blood. Then this morning I had an ultrasound that revealed a minor procedure will be required. Some days I forget what that my myriad health issues are all consuming and there is usually something to with every day regarding my health. My iron had become so low after a significant bleed on the weekend that left me feeling like I was walking on air I was so light headed. When 3 different doctors independently phone me I do wonder if I should be more worried than I am. There is something inside me that feels the need to escape from all of this. The problem is that my methods of escaping are potentially harmful to my physical and mental well being. It is easier some days to forget (or rather ignore) that I have complex health issues. When people express concern or shock at what I have to go through on a regular basis just to feel as close to normal as possible it suddenly strikes me that most people can get up every day and feel 'healthy' and go through their day without thinking about if they will have the energy to get through.
Many days I'm just so exhausted that once I've dropped my daughter at school I come home and collapse on the sofa and stay there until I am forced to return 6 hours later to pick her up at the end of the school day. Yet there are other days where I don't stop from dawn to dusk, getting a million little things done. I sometimes feel frantic and a huge sense of urgency to do as Imuch as I possibly can in one day, just in case my energy dissapates and I find myself sapped of energy and unable to complete any tasks for the next few days.
I frequently find myself thinking in an 'all or nothing' manner. When I have the energy I get as much as possible done in preparation for the times when I can barely lift my head from the pillow.
Today was one such day, but I managed to make it through the day and now all I yearn for is sleep. But I fear tonight will be one of those nights where I sleep fitfully and have dreams which wake me with small screams escaping from my mouth and my body shaking from fear. But hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.