Feeling conected to another soul is incredibly reassuring. When the rest of the world seems so foreign to you, like no one seems to get your strange thoughts and actions, it's insanely wonderful to have another similar soul who understands you.

Loneliness is  being with someone while they are thinking of someone else. Life can be very lonely. The lonely times seem so long and desolate. Waiting for the sadness to pass, hoping your heart will bloom with happiness again. I wonder if your heart got too sad if you could transplant a happy heart in place of your desolate broken one. Is there a heart dump somewhere swelling with hearts that have been torn apart and left to die. Thankfully it is possible to repair most hearts. Sometimes though it is inevitable that to stop your heart being so lonely you must switch off your heart, stop it at a certain point in time, and feel no more.

Agirl who thinks she is not what she wants to be will never be what she already is, for it is extending what we already are that shows what we could be. Extending oneself beyond your current capabilities will only serve to let us believe, imagine and do what we think we are capable of.  It will propel one into a desired space of future belief in oneself that makes one want to create create create. Create a time and space around oneself that is reflective of the workings of ones internal head space that is ones true bizzare self.

Why do I think I'm going to actually start doing something (or not doing something) that I've been telling myself I'll do time after time after time and each attempt ends up being aborted because I have absolutely no will power. I am totally powerless to my own lack of will. The momentum builds and a work myself into a frenzy thinking I'll finally be able to do this. It starts with a bang and then ends will a fizzle, with my will power having been totally squashed and wondering how on earth I'll even make it through the next hour, let along the next complication in life. Mind you, I'm very good at zoning out and detaching completely if I think that being otherwise would tear me apart.

Is the only heartache in life loss? Loss of life, loss of love, loss of who you thought you were, loss of who you thought someone else was. Love, life, and loss is amazing, powerful, complicated and wonderful.

Sleep tonight and worry about the greater sorrows tomorrow

I did not know it would be so hard that it would in turn be so easy (unintentionally) to shut off. It can be a great way to deal with things if you can shut it off forever.

• I wonder if people you don't even know can look at you and know you are grieving or tormented. It's a matter of the right two people meeting at the right time when a glance that lasts a second or two account for a life time of whats going on in your mind. I remember being able to look at a certain person and feeling completely and utterly connected in a way that I didn't think possible.  Imagine finding that more than once.

There have been days in the past week where I've felt I couldn't even get out of bed. But something has made me get up. Some days I feel like I could stay at home for a week and stay in my warm bed.  I absolutely detest getting out of bed when  it's cold.  Some days I fear for the person I think I might be and wonder if I already am that person.  I look at myself in the mirror and depending on the day I see a different person each time. Some days when I see the refelction I really think it's me, but then it becomes kind of like a hologram and a version of me is transparent and begins to disappear. Quite indicative of how I feel or want to be some days.

I feel like my mind has two distinct parts that choose, or maybe deny, to recognise each other. It's a little like, if the two identities simply ignore each other, then they can pretend the other doesn't exist. But I'm not sure that it works that way. How long can one ignore the other, how long can they exist in their own little worlds? Will they become so adept at ignoring each other that they actually forget that they are not supposed to meet. One day they will collide, staring at each other, not wanting to acknowledge each others existence. Then they'll be forced to merge and try and find some kind of common ground, rather than pretending the other doesn't exist, living in completely different worlds, switching on and off as needed. It's easy to simply use one or the other, rather than trying to find a way that works for both of them. I suspect in time I will be forced to find a way to make the two parts malleable and merge them together, so that I can get through the rest of my life without having to pretend any more.

I've not idea where, why or how the feeling invades my mind and body. But one minute I'm living what I think is a standard kind of life and the next minute I'm jolted into hell as that sense of impending doom floods my body and seeps into my mind. I try a deep breath and if spreads a sense of calm through my veins, but it only lasts 1 or 2 seconds and then a sense of utter despair spreads through my veins. It won't leave me alone and I detest it being there. It leaves me incapable of carrying out the mundane tasks of everyday life, yet instils a sense of frenzied need to wallow, or possibly indulge, in random crazed thoughts that come into my mind. It doesn't matter if the thoughts are right, wrong or indifferent, at the point when they come rushing from my mind and surge through my body, I cannot claim I feel any sense of judgement, just intense dersire.

When another day goes by and I haven't done what I intended to, do I think it was a failure. Perhaps. It's a little like ground hog day. Each night I think about what I need to or want to do the next day and then sometimes I get up the following day and pretend in my head that I'm going to follow the plan concocted in my head the night before and then simply proceed to follow a different plan. It's like my body is acting out one thing but inside my head I'm mentally doing what I'd planned the night before. Like I'm pretending I'm doing it, physically aware that I'm not doing it but mentally I'm completly denying what's really happening. I'd like to think that what I've planned for tomorrow might actually happen. I wonder how I'll feel if I actually do what I pretend I'm going to.

I would like to think that it shouldn't take visuals to make one feel better, or even good. But then I must take into consideration Alain DeBottons 'The Architecture of Happiness'. I believe what he says about dull surroundings make people feel dull and depressed. It's no surprise that people who live in horrible housing estates, full of concrete and low brown brick buildings are bored and angry at the rest of the world. I know I would be if I had to live like that.  Most people when they think of green lush surroundings or stunning old architecture feel good. It's depressing when things are bland and boring. So I wonder then if I dressed in bland boring clothes all the time if I'd then feel dull and depressed all the time.  People comment on how much black I wear. I like black. It's dark and that's how it makes me feel. But that's not always bad, just different and sometimes I need it to get myself into a particular head space and state of mind to work on specific paintings, drawings and other art works. However, maybe, after today (a day spent with someone convincing me of the virtues of structure and colour), I should start to wear some more colour and see if I don't turn into a stepford wife.

I wish I could not care about how hard it would be to not be like this. Familiarity, even when the situation is not 'good' brings some comfort. If I keep going in this direction, I'll end up in a place where I thought I wanted to be.  I fear that once I get there I'll suddenly realise I don't want to be there. It will feel like wasted effort and energy on something that I put my faith in, and then it failed me. It's kind of like someone giving you  directions that you believe to be correct and then once you arrive at your destination you realise you're in the wrong place.  The longer you stay at your destination before figuring out you're in the wrong place the harder it will be to get back to where you were.  The longer the journey is the more fearful I am.

Yesterday brought about another episode of such inense feeling makes if feel like the world around me has ceased.  When I'm in that moment I'm unsure whether the world has actually fallen away from me or if I have been carried to an entirely different place where I'm totally protected. Only people in the know can see inside my head and read the thoughts that are spinning around in there. It's like the rest of the world doesn't even realise I'm there, they can't even see me.  I wonder if this is what it feel like to be no longer alive.  I'm walking around with me mind swirling and my body is almost floating and I'm sure that no one can see me.  If they did see me they would surely realise I'm mad. But when I have these moments that are intense, and I'm alone, I feel completely connected to myself and to the people in my head.

I'm watching the sun stream across a range of mountains that descend into tiny hills in the foreground. I feel like I be could or actually am in another world, far away from what is a mundane life. No matter how fast you go or how much closer you think you're getting the mountains can still seem a world away. If I was sitting or lying on one of those distant hills it could possibly feel like I'm in a completely different world, away from the mundaness and the spiralling madness. I would be loved, secure and safe with sun streaming through clouds and warming my body, making it tingle. I would feel like someone could lie with me, perhaps someone no longer alive or someone who has taken their place and we'd mould together, like soul mates, and be totally protected from a world we (or maybe it's just me) no longer want to take part in.

I cannot even attempt to describe how I might feel should everything in my life stop, or worse go away. Would I attempt to be a new person or would I yearn for things to be back the way they were. I don't know whether my heart would stop, plummet or soar. I have a plan, a visualisation of how things might go but I've know idea if it could possibly happen. Problem is, there are too many mind states I want to reach, mine and others. If you were given the opportunity to go back, and have no idea of what all the events were like, and never know any different, then I wonder how many people would do that. I think there is a part in all of us that yearns to go back. If just we could pick and choose particular events. I don't know if I could say for certainty that I wouldn't. If I could choose just to eliminate the lows, then it's an easy choice. But if I had to forget all the highs, even the out of control ones, then I simply could not do it. I would never ever give those incredible intense amazing feelings up for anything. Even if it meant my life had to stop.

To follow a path that you think feels amazing only to be momentarily jolted by a pang of doubt and intense fear makes you begin to wonder how much trust you can put in yourself.

I'm not sure where I begin right now. Thinking about something that seems so enticing yet many people would view it as wrong, or even worse, totally sickening. It's really just a change in attitude, expanding one's mind to contemplate something different, that doesn't hurt anyone, well possibly oneself but is that so wrong if it's desired and makes you feel amazing.

A wise friend said all of our experiences are totally neutral until we place a negative or positive emotion onto that experience.  I say the same. It's a lot to 'un' learn.