Today I told myself it might be a good thing to go backwards to get forwards. Even though I know those things I once did, I did through a twisted lens of not being able to see straight. I remember a night going back to a bed I was confined to (somewhat against my will) feeling totally and utterly devastated that I was unsure of my next move. Funny how one emotion can be so strong yet you know you don't to feel it.
Since that night and since that dilemma in my mind, I've not been able to go back to who I was.

The last two nights I have slept fitfully, vivid dreaming, waking in fright, waking to hot, waking to cold, waking to an intense scream only to realise it was me. It's left me drained and sleepy. Tonight I wish for a peaceful sleep and to wake to a bright new day.

I like how my mind and body feel when I have let a sense of calm settle in. It's a wonderful warm feeling that makes everything seem easier. It's hard to be angry when there is nothing but calmness.

Tonight I felt that sense of doom. It hit me out of the blue. Perhaps I'm missing something, somebody, some sort of feeling of not really being here. It sometimes suprises me to look in the mirror. Sometimes the person I see in the mirror doesn't match what I think I am really like. Sometimes seeing a photo of myself makes me think somebody has been superimposed over the top of the picture and I struggle with trying to reconcile the girl in the photo and the girl in my mind. But alas that doesn't account for the sudden and overwhelming feeling that floods my body with fear and an acute sense of impending doom. I try and try to pretend it's not there or distract myself with seemingly meaningful things. It works for about 3 seconds and then the horrible sensation floods my body again. Perhaps it's time to sleep and hopefully wake up to a better time and place.

I have failed to write for a while. Maybe not 'failed' but neglected. Perhaps my mind has been still enough that I've not needed to, or perhaps my mind has been so frantic that I couldn't sit still for long enough to write something. My mind constantly flucuates between these states. Today my mind is frantic but my body is still. Some days I wish my mind was still and my body frantic. I suspect that would be more productive. I would be at my most productive if both my mind and body were frantic but it's hard to get to that level without the fear of crashing. I don't mind the crashing, if only it were easy to get back up again. Tomorrow I'm willing my mind to be somewhat frantic. I need my mind and my body to sustain me at an above normal level of frenzied activity. It needs to last for 28 days. Twenty eight days is the bare minimum required to for some kind of new habit.

Today is one of those days when you wonder if you really can continue on like this. I wonder how I'll get through this. It's not just the turmoil in my mind, it's the absolute physical pain that goes with it. I know my immune system is so broken that there are days I wonder why or how I'm still alive. I tend to just keep going, pretending I don't have a choice and I try to put it to the back of my mind and pretend it's not happening, like I don't have to deal with it all. Then there are days where it's the only thing I can think about and it makes me angry, scared and completely and utterly sad. Today is one of those days.

I wonder if I'm alone. Could someone else be reading my thoughts while I'm thinking them. It reminds me a little of the book 'Sophie's World'. When I lay down at night and slip into sleep does someone else take my place in a waking state somewhere else in the world? When I dream, is that reality? When I'm awake, perhaps it's really all a dream. It confuses me somewhat to try and figure out just what is reality. But does it even really matter which state I think is the real reality? It doesn't. Sometimes when I wake from an amazing dream I wish it could have been longer. If I'm still in the dream when something is waking me I can easily slip back into the dream and continue the story. Even during the day when I'm day dreaming I can do this.

I woke at 4am last night. Restless, shaky and shadowed by a thought that something was not right. I couldn't stop moving, walking and simply wishing I could go back to sleep. I finally fell into a restless sleep only to wake with a start of realising scared I would fall into such a deep sleep I would be paralysed with fear. Today was one of those days when I could have so easily burst into tears anytime anyone spoke to me. I often find myself standing among other people wishing I could see into their mind. I want to see if the boring crap coming out of their mouth is what is really what they are thinking. We feel compelled to talk about the obvious common things. Me, I'd love to just smoothly say the strange and dark things that are in my mind. The consequences however may not be best for having to see these people day in, day out at the school gate. But damn, it can be so fucking boring.

Some days I get enormous pangs of guilt. I so often feel like a fraud and wonder if I should have to die if anyone discovered what's really going on in my head. It's as if I have to try and keep a straight face, not for the fear of laughing, but crying. Every now and then it shocks me when I look around me and realised this is where I am. How the hell did I get here. I remember when I was about 7 or 8 and wondering how it would be to be grown up. When I was little I couldn't wait to be an adult. Believe me, I wouldn't go back to being a kid for even a moment. It took me until my late 20's, early 30's before I could begin to be who I want to be and to actually show it. So today I sit and wonder where all that time has gone and occasionally worry that I won't have enought time left, whether it be my own doing or not.

I spent a whole hour today in a book store searching for just the right book for a loved one. There were hundreds, if not thousands of books on the topic of which I was searching. Despite perusing the covers or flicking through the contents of hundreds of books there was only one book which I kept coming back to. Now it sits wrapping in crisp white paper ready to be posted to the receiver tomorrow. I know they will appreciate the content of the book. In fact I know they will soak up every word and try to implement all the ideas and thoughts into their own life. When your life feels out of control and you're on a destructive path to nowhere, staying focused and forcing yourself to concentrate on following one path can prove very hard. But I know the person who will read the book will try really hard wrestle back their life. They will slowly gain a new perspective in acting out their life and by the time they reflect back upon the events that sent their life spiralling out of control the pain from those events will have lessened to such a degree that they will be able to simply move on.

There are elements of the past you will never escape. Some elements are good and some are bad. All it takes is a look from someone, a smell in the air, a visual cue cast across your line of sight, a line of a song floating into your ears and it sends you reeling back into the past. There are times where I long for this to happen despite it tormenting me, and I have to work hard to get there. Yet there are times when I don't want this to happen despite it taking me back to a happy time. There are times when I either feel I want to or need to be tormented by it all.

Some days I start out calm but end up distressed at the end and some ways it's completely the other way around. Today was the latter. I started out thinking I couldn't start the day unless I reverted to old ways or more familiar methods of making my brain feel something. I don't know if I should see this as a failure or simply a naughty dash back to the past. It's a little of both. Right now I feel incredibly calm. A lingering side effect from a return to old ways. It will leave me soon and tomorrow I will wake wondering how I will again start another day where I continually amaze myself with both my resilience and my weakness.

I've always been an empathetic person, but it's so much more intense when it's your own flesh and blood. You feel the ups and the downs as they do. You can look into their eyes and feel what they are feeling. You would have to be made of stone to not feel it. 

My mind is cluttered. There are 10 million things I think about, that I need to do, want to do, should do, will do. All theses little things swirl around and around so fast that I don't have time to stop. My mind has failed me today. I can't slow it down enough to remember what I wanted to do, or should be doing next.

Today I kept thinking about how some people manage to wake up every morning and get out of bed without even hesitating. Do they ever wonder if it would have been easier or better if they hadn't woken up? Most mornings when I wake I simply want to go back to sleep. Some days it's because I'm tired. Some day's it's because I know I'll be bored. Some days it's because I just wish I hadn't woken up in the first place. There are days when I wish I didn't have to see a single person. There are days where I can't wait to get to my first appointment or activity for the day so I can be around people and save myself from self pity. Self destruction.

I've no why I continue to be a slave to my desires. Desires that often leave me with little control over what I do. Sometimes the intensity of emotion is so strong that I feel I have no choice but to let myself fall into it and let it take over me. I'd like to think that one day I may be able to sustain a calmness and control over the rollercoast ride of emotions and feelings that beseige me every day. I wish I could wake up in the morning and feel that I can get out of bed and feel happy to face the day. Feel some sense of calm or maybe even excitement about what the day might bring.

Upon waking I wonder if it would just be easier to go back to sleep. I don't know if I want to sleep because I want to dream or if I just simply want to escape.

In terms of 'normal' thinking I guess I should count today as a better day. Perhaps just aiming for baby steps is better than pretending I can make things suddenly stop.

Already I feel the resolve start to break down. All will not be lost though if I can make it to the end of the day in a better state than the day before.

I don't really trust myself with 'light bulb' moments.  While at the time I may strongly believe that I'll be able to carry out my plans, my momentum dissapates rather rapidly once the initial excitement is over. I did something tonight, which could take me back to square one with another 90 days ahead of me. While I strongly believe the literature that argues it takes approximately 90 days to break a habit, 90 days is not actually the norm. Perhaps that's why so many peopel fail. Now the light bulb moment has gone, maybe I won't think of it as having to be 90 days. I could do it in 3 sections. Three blocks of 30 days. The figure 3 most certainly appeals to my fascination with the number 3. When I wake tomorrow it will Friday 15th July. That's 5 lots of 3. Silly as it is that a number should mean something, it makes it a very appealing date to start, or at least try something that always has the potential to make or break me.