Some days I start out calm but end up distressed at the end and some ways it's completely the other way around. Today was the latter. I started out thinking I couldn't start the day unless I reverted to old ways or more familiar methods of making my brain feel something. I don't know if I should see this as a failure or simply a naughty dash back to the past. It's a little of both. Right now I feel incredibly calm. A lingering side effect from a return to old ways. It will leave me soon and tomorrow I will wake wondering how I will again start another day where I continually amaze myself with both my resilience and my weakness.