I didn't sleep until late last night, or rather early this morning. I woke late today but amazingly I woke feeling what could only be described as content, perhaps even happy. I noticed that while we were away over Christmas I awoke several mornings feeling this way. I don't even think I can remember the last time this happened. It could be the new medication, that I've been taking for the last 4 weeks and haven't skipped a dose (forgotten or otherwise). Some of the thoughts are still there and already I have to admit that the habit continued today. However I feel positive that while it's a setback, I am still moving forward. Moving forward in the right direction. I wish every day could feel this way. The weather is incredibly depressing. It's summer but a change has set in of cooler temperatures and non stop rain. Some days, like today, I enjoy hearing the rain and trying to feel 'cosy' inside the house. But sometimes the lack of bright light makes me feel intensely hollow and there is that familiar feeling of 'impending doom'. I had that precise feeling yesterday and for the first time in a long time a took a pill to help settle the anxiety. I try not to do this because they are so addictive and one needs more and more to get the same effect if they are taken continuously. Today I feel quite content just wandering around the house, taking care of little jobs and trying to make plans for the bigger jobs that need to be done. As I write this I glanced at my latest painting. It's an acrylic of my memory of the 1983 Ash Wednesday bush fires. Those fires evoked enourmous fear and anxiety in me. When it was clear that our house had survived, we drove home. I was too young to have any say in it and I was absolutely terrified of going home knowing that there were so many spot fires and while most of the foliage around our house had burned down it didn't mean that a spot fire couldn't still take to the house. Perhaps this is why I sometimes love the consistent sound of gentle rain falling outside. I know that everything in the natural and man made environment will be filled and soaked with rain. I like knowing that it would be hard for a fire to take hold when so much water has soaked the earth around me. I intensely fear the searing heat of a summer sun that threatens to engulf everything in flames.