Day 54 and today was a great day. I can't explain truthfully why so, but it just was. Perhaps I could be honest with myself but then I wouldn't know what to say or do to anyone who asked for the truth. The last couple of days have been busy but amazingly boring, boring to the point I wondered why I didn't just sleep through the past 48 hours. When I don't want to get up in the morning I know things are probably taking a down hill slide. Today though I woke with that little feeling that's condensed in a little ball and bouncing around in my solar plexus that incites pleasure. It's a good feeling, where by everything feels fine, even good, and then every now and then it peaks into anticipated excitement. I wish I could feel that every day. I don't know how to achieve it though. Perhaps just by pretending each morning when I wake up that the feeling is there it might make it actually happen. The power of belief can be a great thing, so perhaps it is possible. I wonder then if it's possible to change that intense impending doom and fear that often comes on toward the end of the day. That fear feels so so real, but I don't know what I'm fearful of. It's just an intense dread that started in my throat and continues down through the solar plexus and into my stomach. It's the only feeling that I can describe in detail and how it sends my brain spinning with fear and loathing of myself and what I might be capable of doing.