Such a bad time of the year to be like me. I'm surrounded by everything that both repulses me and brings me much joy at the same time. It makes me feel both useless and determined at the same time. I long to get up on this day and look at the things around me and make a 'normal' decision about how I will digest the day. I often get to the end of a day and become frantic with promises to myself that tomorrow will be different. I've no idea why I think it will be different. Sometimes it is different from the day before yet it is not different from anything I have done before. From one extreme to the other, I seem to thrive on swinging wildly from one end of the spectrum to the other. I cannot slow my body or my thoughts down enough to let myself naturally balance in the middle. The thoughts are too frantic and my body too traumatised to allow itself to believe it deserves to be sitting beautifully balanced in the middle of the pendulum. Why I believe I don't deserve it remains to be fully recognised but as I let my thoughts fall into oblivion it becomes blindingly obvious to me that I deserve to feel the pain and my body punished.