I have that heavy feeling in my chest. Like something is crushing down against it and I have to work hard to breath. It's partly my own fault, partly because I left if open to feeling like this. The promise of the previous feeling puts me into denial about how I'll end up feeling. I wonder if this is how it would feel to die, if you had that crushing feeling in your chest. Would you get an adrenalin rush, pushing out to the extremities of your fingers and toes, and then rush back to your chest where it would beat so hard against your chest pressing down against you. Perhaps I'd get that feeling where everything around me seems huge and I lie there feeling small and like everything is heavy and enormous in comparison to me. I remember that feeling when I was little. Maybe around age 7 or 8 I remember lying in bed running my fingers through me hair. Suddenly each individual hair on my head seemed so huge that it was heavy in my little fingers, struggling to run my fingers through it. But I loved the feeling, loved how it felt so incredibly big, abnormally big, and it was cold, really cold. I would get a unique feeling in my chest, sitting right in my throat. It felt strange, but felt good at the same time. Every now and then something happens as an adult that gives me the same feeling. It takes me back 1000 miles and hour, straight back to being a child and how incredible that feeling was. It was like having my own little world, a world only I could escape into. A world for no one else, only for me.