Day 48 and I managed to vaguely keep myself together. I'm visiting family and when I go into town all I see are feral people roaming around and I wonder how on earth one would end up like that. It's quite good incentive for keeping a bit of culture in one's life. When I crossed the road some revolting guy made a comment about having been waiting for me. He and all the others like him can wait as long as they like, I'll never be going down their road, never. I'd rather die than live like that. Perhaps I should blame my mother. Right now feels like an endless road of trying to figure out what's about to come next. I have slept well the last few nights and I both dread and long for a night where I wake in the middle of the night from a dream where I can barely pull my mind and body from the force of the dream, a force that takes a while to overcome and realise where you really are and what's happening. Sometimes it's enough to put you in a particular state of mind, that keeps the bizzare and wonderfully crazy thoughts coming quick and fast enough to make you question who you are, where you are and where you're going. Enough to make you yearn for it over and over again. I wish I could get there again, hopefully tonight. Perhpaps tonight will bring that etheral state of being to me again.