What a roller coaster of emotion today. I keep being told there is something more to this and I keep getting told I need to 'tune' in to it. So so so sick of fucking psycho babble. I'm to the point I don't believe it anymore. There is a time in my life where I need to forget and if I find myself in a situation where it all comes flooding back then I simply need to push it aside, to compartmentalise it, and put it to rest. If it continues to haunt me, then I must continue to compartmentalise it. There is no reason, and perhaps no benefit in revisiting it, again and again and again. I haven't felt so teary for such a long time. I lay on the floor with 6 females looking over me, staring into my eyes. Examining my eyes and telling me how they look. But the intensely bright light overhead bought back a rush of fear from many years ago, being rushed into surgery, bright lights overhead, doctors and nurses hovering over me explaining what was about to happen. It was one of the moments in my life where I was chilled to the bone, flooded with absolute fear. Then the rush of anaesthetic pumping through my veins, quickly and quietly, and that was it. When I woke, I couldn't believe that pain could be so so bad. Frantically trying to find the morphine button, so comatose aned groggy, the nurse telling me and guiding my hand to the self administering button. I struggled so hard to keep pushing the button. If I couldn't find the button for relief then I may else well die. For a week I lay there in pain I've never known and perhaps will never know again, wishing I could die. The serious look on the doctors face, telling me I was losing blood at such a rate, it was either surgery, or or, dare they say it death. I wanted death so badly, yet the faces looking at me were either saying, don't die, or accept what was coming to me. I so wanted death, many times, but it never came.