Two days and I've managed to get through both with little thought of relapse. Haven't even contemplated it. Good days will hopefully lead to more and more pure days. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is some days. But thankfully the last two days have been guilt free and my mind has managed to focus on the present. I've woken and my thoughts have not immediately deviated to bad thoughts and desires. I long for the day when it is all a distant memory and I have to to work hard to remember what it was like to indulge in desires I felt like I had no control over. Interesting how, ultimately it is you that has control over how you react and respond to situations but when your mind is not your own you feel like immediate satisfaction is all that matters. It's like a 2 year old who only understands instant gratification, they have no concept of the future. I hope that after two good days that many more will follow. I'd like to think that out of 90 days, majority will be guilt free, then I can tell myself that most of my desires follow the good rather than the route to evil desire. Sometimes I practice solipsism, as though I can not imagine anything beyond my own internal desires. Sometimes the thoughts in my mind are so insular and stem from deep fear and self preservation that I feel like a ball of solipsism up in the corner of a room watching myself complete tasks that mean nothing and contribute absolutely nothing to extending my self.