I wonder why I cannot shake this feeling. The feeling that a day in the life of me is scary, complicated and leaves my body bereft of feelings, yet completely awash with emotion.

It is with trepidation that I think about the coming year. There is always an opportunity to start anew, it doesn't always have to be a particular date or new year. But somehow it makes it easier to cope with the downfalls and disappointments by knowing, or maybe pretending, that you are leaving it behind, in a place you can't go back to.

I'm never quite sure if  I'm doing the right thing. I still feel that my body doesn't cooperate,  My mind and body don't seem to connect at the right times.  I often go to sleep with a strong resolve and by morning I fight with myself , wondering how far I'll make it through the day without breaking. There are days it's easy, other days I don't even make it out of  bed without knowing what the day will hold, an anticipatory response. Today I was in hospital for my four weekly gamma globulin transfusion. I slept soundly for the first 2 hours, then wrote in my journal and read. I'm not sure how many times I thought about getting through the day pretending that I wouldn't think about certain things, but by the hospital I'd already decided that my brain wouldn't function without the negative thoughts. So be it. I don't know if it will ever go away.